Its been coming back in waves…..but I know how to swim


I don’t think anyone would want to be in the head of someone with an unstoppable/wandering mind….

The last few months have been really hard; school ended and I had to, not only, get ready to start my thesis, but there was the added pressure, from myself, to have it figured out. Things would happen, people would ask me questions, something would trigger and my mind just wouldn’t stop. It was just this constant reminder of not only of my life or where I stand with people, but what I had to figure out, and I couldn’t deal. 
Now this isn’t a new thing; it comes with everyone’s life. But, it’s particularly hard for me because sometimes I feel that not only do I have to put things on hold, but I can’t do things, can’t have what I deserve.  I can’t just live my life I seem to have to have an answer for everything when I don’t. And that’s hard. Like said, it’s not a new thing, but this feeling was particularly not new. It felt a lot like 2013 when I had to figure out my life, dealing with being back after studying abroad. I reread that post and I realized that is exactly it! I am back trying to figure it out, and I’m thinking where could I run to; is Peter Pan finally going to come? 
People I know who are in similar situations, or the people who know me well, have all said the same thing, being in our 20s we are always trying to figure it out and define things; but we can’t.  We can’t know every thing, we just have to live life and go with it.  We need to live in the now, which I have been trying to do. But, occasionally it hits me again, something sets off that feeling and I get not only sad, but get overwhelmed with feelings of being stuck, depressed and unfocused.

I don’t want to share too much but…..

 It comes out of no where I get a sudden pit in my stomach. I feel scared because I have this thing ahead of me and I have to make a decision. And since Ireland has become something so familiar to me now I don’t want to leave it.  I don’t want to leave my friends, people I have made connections with and who are important to me. I am grateful for the people in my life and the shared memories. However, there are moments when in my true vulnerability I feel completely alone and just want to go home to my fam fam. I don’t think I am home sick for the place; I am homesick for the people. I just want to have the support and reassurance that I can go home when I need to. This is what happened three years ago, but now I only have myself and sometimes I don’t think that’s enough. Plus I have the added pressure of  completing my thesis. 

The good thing about this that it does come in waves, its not every day struggle. I mean dealing with my challenges and what comes along with my difficulties is an every day challenge. But this feeling it only comes in waves it soon goes away because not only have I  learned how to overcome it and I want to overcome it. 

Bottom line….


You don’t know what’s going to happen; you have to live in the now and ignore the questions because you won’t have an answer. People focus too much on the what-ifs and I have to learn not to be one of those people.
And well for me, I’m living in the now and that’s what I have to do because I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t know what I will be doing in a year or even next week. All I know is I love my fam fam, I have fun exciting things coming up, I have great people that I get to spend my time, and I get to just live life while writing my thesis.


I don’t want to put my life on hold I want to live it- in the moment

xox

Kole 

P.S I am happy. 

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