What this single holiday made me realise….


A guy questioned me if I had friends, since I was on a holiday by myself. I know what you’re thinking, what an asshole. I saw nothing wrong with going on a holiday by myself especially since I have been independent for so many other things. Yet, going on a holiday isn’t what society would consider something you do on your own. But when have I ever done what was typical? 


The struggles…


At the start of the trip it was a little hard, my mind was getting the best of me and I could feel my body shake because there was a rush of thoughts in my brain and I did not stop to relax. One day I thought I was not going to be able to be on a holiday on my own; how could I have thought I could do this?


I soon learned I was putting myself in the wrong situations and it wasn’t until I figured out the right places to go that my mind calmed down.


Realisation…


I soon realized being on my own didn’t mean I was lonely or alone; it just meant I could easily spend time with myself and enjoy myself. We spend so much time on our own doing things that are seen as what you should do on your own, like read a book, as an example. I personally feel like that’s all good and fun but to really get something for yourself you need to go out and be adventurous and let your wings soar. Become your own character, which I did when I told someone my name was Rogue (the main character’s name in my thesis). 


Traveling by yourself you really begin to realize who you are, what you are capable of, and what matters and whom.


I try to limit my phone time, because I do spend a lot of time on my phone but I also wanted to share my experiences. I was texting my fam-fam sharing the little moments. I was sharing bits on social media, snapping what I was doing to my friends. There were moments when I put down the phone and didn’t share anything, allowing myself to just be in the moment.


I recommend for anyone especially young women to go on a trip by themselves. But to do that you not only have to be smart, strong, and independent. I am not saying at 16-19 to run off on your own because that isn’t the time to do it. You have to go through the woods before you climb the mountain.


Before we get into this next part- this blog is my words, my thoughts, my style, my travels and it will sometimes get personal and this trip had some personal aspects to it as well that I would like to share….


The personal…


The trip was good for me because it prepared me for what was about to happen when I got back home. Before I left I had to pack up my things and was getting ready to move down to Gtown for the month. But, I still needed a few days in the city to work on my thesis so I was returning to an unorganized, all over the place situation.  That did not help my overwhelming stress level that was already building because of what I am going to say….  


 If you read the last Bristol blog I did kind of say it. But, I’ll say it again, my life is in a transition. 


 I felt years ago that I had nothing left. I needed to find what was missing (ironically that’s the theme of my thesis). So I went off, asking strangers to become friends, loves, flings, family, memories. I went to a new place and made it my home. It was exciting yet so hard at the same time….


I spent two and half years avoiding the question when are you leaving. I was trying to stop the thoughts that I was temporary when I was right there. I was trying to form a life with people and a place that I did not grow up in.  Basically, I was trying to find my place in a new world. Even though that new world felt like this was where I belonged, reality kept knocking.


And how are you supposed to live in the now when reality keeps knocking? It’s really stressful! Thus, I went on Holiday.


And this is what can happen with a wanderlust lifestyle or moving yourself across the world to a new place. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything- it is because there is a metaphorical clock ticking off the time.  For example, being asked to go on a trip with friends in October- would you be here for that? 


I have many times have said I am happy, and I am. I have gotten to experience so much while in Ireland. I got to become part of a wonderful family, form relationships, create memories, and make an impact. But, the hardest thing I was trying to do was to just experience life as it happened, live a life but felt like so much was stopping that.  Some others may have experienced it differently, but this is what I have felt/learned/experienced.


After holiday I have taken the time to reflect on my time in Ireland. I’ve had many great times with people, with this place and I have so many great memories. Despite the bad/down days I love it here this is my home. However, even though it kills me to admit it I know what I want and I will not find it here. I’ve been running away for two years, trying to find what was missing, and it was the thing I was running from that I needed, myself.

That’s what I learned on my Holiday.


xox

Kole.

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