The greatest escape to feeling too much.

When I was younger I was convinced that Peter Pan was going to come to my window so I wouldn’t have to turn 18. And I also wanted to learn how to snowboard.

img_9991Peter Pan never showed, but 14 years later I finally got to learn how to snowboard! It was the most fun yet challenging experience. Especially with my confidence. I have talked about my confidence in myself and that’s something I want to work on. So I  finally went snowboarding, something I kept wanting to do since I was 12.

img_0002Knowing who I am and what works best for me to really learn I made sure I was in a private lessen and I told myself don’t worry just do it. The woman was excellent, so helpful. Sometimes I felt frustrated but really that’s only when I messed up and ended up getting turned around.

Learning and being active was back in my life. I enjoyed being on the board and probably looking foolish. I could feel my confidence build, like I could actually let go but I kept holding on. I thought about how I could go up the lift onto a larger hill but I second guessed myself but there was this push, this spontaneous thing that gets me going that was building. And I knew this was what I was missing.

img_0011I have anxiety, and my biggest one with this lesson was fearing to fall, like I did not let go of my teachers hand. I get so worked up that I’m going to do something wrong, yelled at, or look like a fool that I don’t. I didn’t go on the chair lifts despite paying for the pass because I feared that I would fall off and also the big hills I wasn’t ready for.

 

Snowboarding was my escape after a really shitty week of frustration and all that was happening in the world. Going out on the slops to snowboard was what I needed, not only to escape but to do something. When I was up on the hill afraid and not wanting to fall you really have to focus and think (well I have to think what I have to do). It was only two hours, and even though I felt tired and my muscles were sore I didn’t care; I loved every minute of it. I really want to be a good snowboarder because in winter it feels like you can’t do a lot of things.

img_0013Unfortunately, after snowboarding I went home and it hit me again, the stress and anxiety. Not the frustration of growing up, or how I’m feeling, craving social time, but the weight of the world. And how could I just ignore it, what could I do, how can you go on with your day when there are things like this happening. The How can no one feel this?

 

When you just feel too much it really gets to you, I plan on writing a thoughtful peace about it, but also it’s something I’m really trying to work on and I think snowboarding might be the thing to help that.

Yet, I’m still trying to myself on that lift.

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