This is my story. My goal in writing pieces like these will not only shed light on who I am but have others see themselves and relate to parts of it with me.
When Rory Gilmore came back onto my television screen she said the one thing that I was so thrilled to hear: “I’m feeling very lost right now.” Anyone else just go ‘yes’? And said ‘hell yes’ when she said “I have no job, I have no credit, I have no underwear.”
5 months ago I came back from Ireland and it is not easy to let go or move on. I feel lost like Rory says, if you follow on twitter you’ll know. But here, we are 20 something girls who are now in their mid-twenties educated, skilled with experience but it’s not good enough. It’s not only frustrating but confusing because it wasn’t suppose to be like this. And I am sitting here thinking I gave up everything for this?
I always had this point to drive me. For example, I wanted to go back to Ireland I found a job, wanted to go to graduate school in Ireland I did, and now I don’t know because the point is so much bigger it’s a life. How do I get there, is it through blogging, is it through writing on the side, like what do I have to do? The other day I was convince on moving back to Ireland. I feel this sickness and fear build inside of me that’s personal–and really couldn’t even tell you why. I felt this push outside of me that I had to leave Ireland because if I didn’t leave I would be dealing with the same shit over and over again (that shit is personal), but I came back to nothing and more pressure and more anxiety that you just feel lost and have no real point of direction. I so badly want to too but like is it right? The reality wall hits again–it all comes back to that. I am missing something that I got there and isn’t here.
And how do we find that thing again that we left behind? A lot of times we look back and we only see the good. We miss what was and want that back thus we lose focus on what’s happening and the moments a head. It can be harder, I know. But the one thing we should not do is look back and also compare/listen to others.
A lot of times I think it’s what is expected, and what our peers are doing better than us. We feel this pressure and failure upon ourselves when we do this. Like I’ve been told “like you’re only 25” but I also had the other end of “your 25 and you haven’t”…. It’s this rude thing that comes out of people, this need to tell you and be shocked by you,have an opinion on you. Top it up we also have this self pressure we put on yourself and comparing to others that we all do. And what happens well if you’re anything like Rory Gilmore…
You’ll take anything, you would take a job to write about lines that are “hipster”, you’d sleep with a Wookie, and you’ll take an unpaid position in your small town because it’s not only comfortable but you think it might be exactly where you need to be. But you don’t feel any better.
All I can say is we will figure this out. We have to because we are meant for so much then what we are getting. I am going through that same feeling and all I know is what I know. I know what to do to calm my anxiety, to get rid of that overwhelming feeling–and that is to ride it out. Also I said this in my 2017 goals is to put myself out there, I know the whole thing has a lot to do with my feeling but also my self-doubt and it doesn’t help that no matter how much you try it’s not good enough. See it as a challenge to really fight, I haven’t found that thing I want to fight for but I will always fight for myself–and so should you!
Ask yourself instead of those larger questions like what do you want, where do you see yourself. Go smaller, what are you going to do on Friday that will benefit you, are you going to volunteer, are you going to go on a road trip, are you going to go out and have a cup of coffee and do some writing? Are you going to send out those applications, open submissions? Don’t forget take the time to build yourself and then sell yourself.
Lookbook: Day to Night
Shoes: Steve Madden
Skirt/ tutu/dress: self made by my mom-she had talent!