I haven’t done these update post in a while, but I kind of waited until I had some changes! If you pay attention really hard on my social media you might know them, I am a little bit more direct with blog social media than my own personal accounts. I kind of don’t tell people anything esp online anymore, the people who matter know, so I kind of see no point in sharing to people I don’t talk to. But here I am putting it all in a blog like I always do for strangers to read! The Irony!!
Been rewritten since posted
I am officially in the working world!
It is Spring a lot has happened, and the snow has not stopped! I have never experienced this much snow or this cold in April, it feels like December. Maybe it’s a metaphor because the war on women continues which has hit me hard, especially for how little people actually give a shit. My hair is at a point of awkward length where I hate it, but I learned to curl it, so that helps. And I’ve started my first BIG GIRL 8-5 Monday to Friday JOB! I am really excited for this opportunity -its the YES I’ve been needing. I was super excited, yet super nervous. This job is exactly what I needed to just get myself out of this rut, get myself going, have independence again, feel the freedom to be and live my life. What I gave up when I moved out of Ireland.
As you’ve probably known or realized from past post-2017 was a hard year and the start of 2018 wasn’t getting any better. I’ve been back for a year and five months and it was not fun AT ALL. It has really tested my abilities, confidence and made me question my worth A LOT! It got hard and a little dark. After the 400 No, unanswered text messages, feeling the distance between me and my friends, getting questions like “why do you say no bother”, and fighting with myself that I am a great writer even if I can’t spell worth shit, I was good at what I can do with my skills and experence, and “likes” do not define me.
Some maybe shocked that I actually got a 9-5 job, when there are jobs out there where you can go to work in jeans and a T-shirt, sitting at a table with coworks. They even have beer days. 21 centery working world, but here I am wild wing, never settling,city girl with messy hair in a typical 9-5 job, wearing dress pants and lofers.
Getting this full-time job is giving me that YES and oppurnity that I have been missing.
I know I am not ment for this 9-5 lifestyle, but here I am; working because I have to pay the bills, Peter Pan never came to my window. It’s not about paying the bills, or easy my anxiety of turning 26, “adulting”, it does help. I see it as doing a 9-5 job will allow me to get myself going to where I want to be while I do what I love writing and creating- until that brings in the fish (because I don’t eat baking). And I know what your thinking why didn’t I get a job in a creative feild? Well see this post here for that honesty.
I feet like I’m finally getting to the woman I want to be, I am defently not in the place I want to be but it takes time to be tha girl wearing settlos, small notebook in her hand, running across the street in a city into her job either in publish or a magazine. I still will get there, and that is the dream! Dream take time to make and what I have learned and trying to get into my stubborn head is that I can’t look at others, I can’t make their success my failors.
For a really long time I struggled and saw that my life was only going down hill, that Ireland/college was it, that was my thriving time. And everything a head of me, was filled with anxiety, fear, and feeling like a failor. That is why I decided at 26 that I was going to be flirty and thriving this year, way before I got this job. But now with this job, life is finally moving forward and I’m feeling better.
That is how we go about life, we just keep learning how to swim and keep on swimming! Sorry, Finding Nemo reference.
Where does that leave blogging?
That is the question I ask myself every day now, because I don’t have the open time to run take pictures, to get content, to write a blog post whenever I have an idea.
I haven’t really had time for blogging, to even write a blog post, to be active on social media; and it was actually a good thing! The week before I cleared out my draft box, I took some photos to share during my lunch break, but as I edited them, I hated them. I was hitting this creative block! But this time it was blocked by more than winter. It was stuck by how my Instagram hasn’t been doing well which sadly hit me hard, because I have to work on this blog, trying to get it active, more traffic, get people to know about my blog for more than 2 years. And I was barely breaking 30 on my photos. I was stuck on the same old numbers, and every time I tried to connect with a blogger it turned into a game of follow them back and then they will unfollow you! So I kind of hit a breaking point, and when I looked at my photos all I saw was ugly, not good enough, what could I do to get attention. All because of this stupid little app. Social media has really put this idea of “liking” to really define not only yourself but your work as well, it’s dishearting. I should take my own advice.
I honestly thinking being buzy, having struggle, not being ‘all about’ blogging with bring the fun, enjoyment back into blogging.
The real goal of mine with blogging is getting people to read my words, to feel a connection, to say “that is exactly it”, to start a conversation up. And that doesn’t come from Instagram, the stats don’t lie also I did a poll no one hardly ever clicks the link in bio. And to be completely honest, blogging is not my job, I am not getting paid and putting all that work and creating stress over it isn’t fun. I want to blog to be fun again!
So there is the update, leaving it all right here. Still struggling, still messy as I move forward to new and exciting things that come when you get a ‘big girl job’. An exciting thing, that I actually need is that I am going back to Cork for a week, to see my friends, to see littles, to be in the place that inspires me. It’s been to long and maybe some might not ‘get it’ but Ireland is my home.