Part 5: those messages girls get

I’ve held onto this one for awhile, and its a hard one, and I don’t want to get in the wrong either. This Bad Date is not going to be funny, the word dick pic will be used A LOT and that’s my ‘warning’ if you don’t want to read. 

Bad Dates Series A city Girl Story

In the wake of women standing  and speaking up against sexual harassment and sexual assault, what’s happening in Hollywood, everywhere else, in #metoo and recently one of my favourite bloggers Frassy called out the creepy men that message her; and me fearing to share my stuff because I “know” what will happen but all I want to do is be creative. So it’s time to talk about those catcalling, dick pics, and those messages you get from guys.

If a guy says something or does something that is offensive I’m going to call  him out and hope he apologizes- they usually don’t. If a guy is going to grab my butt, I will kick him. And suddenly I’m the bad person?? Once I watch a guy reach, a foot away, with his hand going for a girl under her skirt. I slapped it so fast and screamed NO! For some beeping reason, guys think this is okay to say, touch, do, message girls. I was listening to the podcast called Its Galz (when I got this idea for this post-MONTHS AGO) which talked about those demeaning, sexualised,  messages girls get FROM STRANGERS. They talked about how guys think just because a girl posted a cute, sexy selfie or snap doesn’t mean you can DM her and start sending crude rude messages to her. It happens, and with dating, it happens, way too often. You kind of wonder if there is actually a decent guy out there who isn’t going to send you a picture and you know exactly what it is before you even open it.

Don’t you take it as a compliment? a guy asked me on a date once.

We are taught to take it as a compliment. That when a guy wants to “fuck you on that bed” that this is a good thing. When you are trying to get to know a guy and all he is  wanting is to meet you up for the night, drive around in his car, calls you at 4 am in the morning waking you up from your sleep to “come over.” Sending you dick pics after your having a nice conversation. I once got a dick pic from a guy who took it under the desk while still in the library. I sent a message back saying “did you seriesly just send me that, while you are in the library?” AND HE DID IT AGAIN!!

IS SO MESSED UP! For god sakes, I didn’t ask you to send me a picture of your dick that I thought was your elbow! That random hi you get from a stranger in your DMS turns to him wanting your number. And when you tell him no, your the bad guy? Here’s a tip  for those guys: fuck off, keep your dick in your pants, and stopppp! No girl has asked for anything, no girl or anyone post or is talking to you for you the creepy guy who thinks its okay to be so DISGUSTING. That is sexual harassment, and in 2017 you really should stop.

Girls, its not our fault.

You posted that selfing because you posted it after you felt good about yourself and their comments belittle you down like your nothing. HOW DARE THEY! Pull a 180 after talking about joining you for a walk with their dog sending half-naked pictures of himself in the mirror like damn he had abs but like really we were having a nice conversation then you send me that video? But I saw it, and I couldn’t believe you SENT THE EXACT SAME one like was it saved or something??? There is so much a girl can fake with guys but when it comes to those messages, pictures, words, and actions. You can’t fake or go along with any longer.

A guy sending his dick isn’t flattery it’s degrading. Sending her messages out of the blue, telling her how she looks makes your horny, is horror. It sure isn’t sweet or romantic.  Thinking the way to a girls heart or to her bedroom is to talk down to her, make her feel worthless or feel worth it but then make her feel like scum. That is not okay, and we girls deserve better than this. We are more than a body to fuck and we are more than just something to look at; we are more than those pointless snaps of your dick!

Girls, don’t be afraid to speak your mind, to tell the guy who said you look fuckable to fuck off, don’t take those DMs or those catcalls as a compliment. Because it is harassment. I have this t-shirt that says “not yours”  and I wear it with pride because I’m sure in hell, not yours to honk at.

When you’re dating a guy what do you do when he does become a dick of a creep sending you pictures, and talking “dirty” but it isn’t dirty it’s degrading.

I think with online dating, social media, a guy asking you for your snap, ability to send pictures, DMS– that we don’t have to be smart about it we ALREADY ARE smart about it. That if they’re not going to teach boys we will!! To tell the guy you know what I didn’t ask for that dick pick and I showed all my friends & we had a great laugh. Hit the block button, say goodbye, and know if your dating a guy and all he’s doing is sending you dick picks and changing the subject into something sexual the guy’s a pig.

Not all guys are like this, people have their thoughts on “all” but I know decent guys, I was raised by one, the issue is that this has happened too many times, and it’s a big issue and it HAS BEEN. It just happens #metoo, the stories in the news, and more women calling out guys that FINALLY action might be taken place. Women/girls just want to feel free to be themselves and they really can’t when they share a picture and a guy comments saying “you have really blue eyes *wink(” And all I can say is “thanks I got them from my dad”.

There are so many stories out there, that are bigger than those message girls get, and for any girl (&boy) who has been taking advantage of, sexually harassed, sexually assaulted it is not your fault, it’s not my fault either. For the ones who shared their story, you bring change and voices to so many people. I hope one day we can live without this shame and blame of the victim and stop asking “what she was wearing.”

P.S for the guys (lads) we need you to teach, stand up, and go agents. Ask yourself where are you and where will you be on this issues?

I couldn’t hold onto this post any longer and I really do hope I did this post justice.

 

Advertisements

On my mind: No need to explain yourself

Let me explain how I’m not going to explain myself anymore & a question I’ve been asking myself with Instagram. 

img_6433

I have always been an open book and an explainer, every since I was little. I would tell people everything, I’d announce not that I have to go to the bathroom but that I have to pee. I would explain a lot of things to people, mostly out of fear of assumptions and being misunderstood. But, over the last few months now I found myself stopping. Why should we have to explain ourselves really?

I  use to write status all the time about what was happen, in “on this day” I wrote “out and about” A LOT. I explained so much in status, which then went to twitter, then when blogging went to explaining whats been happening–like you actually care, like what I am saying is sooo important it’ll change your life. It won’t I’m not an idiot. But why do I do it? Maybe in hopes someone would care or out of fear no one would actually care. Here’s the thing people who do care know and the people who don’t don’t matter. Half the time people only care what your doing if your doing it wrong. 

So I am going to stop explaining myself. Because half the time its not needed and other time you are just trying to defend yourself to someone who has already made up their mind. I like to say make your assumptions you’ll be the ass. A challenge I like you to take is to stop yourself from explaining, stop yourself for telling, stop yourself for writing that twitter or status. See what happens.

I’ve been questioning blogging  especially blogging with instagram

dont need to explain yourself writing thoughts.jpg

This whole month of October started out with being burnt out having to work two jobs, feeling so out of the loop and not feeling like I was doing GREAT with blogging. In my update after a year being back I said how I want to write. But after seeing my Stats and traffic with my blog–I wonder if blogging is worth it.

I really enjoy the little place I made on Instagram through blogging that I would have never done if I didn’t, I met some really cool people through it too.  However, there’s been this down slide of things where there is no engagement, traffic coming from to my blog I aim to get never happens. For none bloggers — its like that you shared this amazing thing on S.M and when you go back no one or your mom has liked it. It’s like that.  This is why I try to engage with other bloggers because I know thats what they want and know the feeling when it doesn’t happen.

Writing comes easy to me, I have endless ideas, my draft box is full-but to make sure they’re GREAT the time I put in them to make sure there is no mistakes is A LOT. I stress over content, figuring out how to promo it, I check my status, I see if anyone has commented/liked, etc.  For what, to realize no one is reading it, it hurts.

It is harder to get people to read your stuff, I get it–I find it hard to sit down and read to I’ve always had and when its online well you get into your circle of scrolling. I’m not here for the attention or the likes–I never been that person and to be honest I really never expected this many people to follow my blog SO I AM GRATEFUL sometimes a little overwhelmed.

Blogging isn’t my job but its more than a hobby.  I’m putting so much stress into blogging while working two jobs, & all that work into three different directions is HARD. That I wonder if I’m not getting the traffic and the connections I made are getting strain just like my friendships. It sucks to be 5,000 miles away. My BFF told me it would be a shame for me to get ride of my insta after all that progress, able to see my life journey over the past few years.

It’s selfish for me to stay here, but the point is I love it, I enjoy it–I enjoy it more then my actual personal accounts. Another con to keep instagram blog is fact that there is a game I’m not willing to play but I adresses that here.

 

What they don’t tell you about living abroad (studying abroad)

img_6421

Being able to have the opportunity to live or study abroad is a wonderful that a lot of people should take advantage of but there is a lot that can make living abroad hard and I’m going to tell you. If you are new here, I’ve lived in Ireland for two years on my own working and going to school, I study abroad for a semester and a lot of people ask me question about these things.

They only tell you the good things but the bad is good too. Because like Winnie the Pooh says “how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”. 

VISA: They didn’t tell you much about a VISA. I knew that I could get a VISA for my year off because I had someone before me do it. Little did I know when looking on au pair world that there were limitations of what country Americans could get working VISA, like UK doesn’t give working VISA for nannies. You need to do your research on VISAs. There are requirements for VISA’s. And this is a whole different topic, but the cost of a VISA. The reality of getting a visa is a lot of unknown questions and calling the local embassy to double check, but once you understand exactly every paper work, its pretty easy. Don’t miss your dates, don’t miss your appointments, make those phone calls. The responsibility of “doing it on your own” comes pretty quick with the visa. ALSO when your finally land and your going through customs HAVE it READY don’t be that person.

Cost: They told you the cost believe me they did, but the truth is that cost really isn’t a something that should “stop” you.  And well living/studying abroad is going to COST you; besides the flights and VISA, what about rent, paying it monthly. When living abroad traveling is so much easier and becomes this option that is right there, but its going to cost you.  But here’s the thing your going to spend money no matter what or where you go, things COST money. So if you are on a budge, budget, you don’t have to spend a lot to get a lot. I still say the best experiences I have are taking the early busses because its cheaper and the birdness living.

Living: They didn’t tell you you get your own bed, and furniture! My first year there I didn’t have to worry. But when moving out and going on my own, I didn’t really know where to start. It all worked out. And it really helped that I was kind of force to do it or I’d be screwed. If you are studying abroad there is no worries you’ll have a place to stay you might of to buy some bedding and a better pillow. Living you want to make it your home for sure, make it your home. You’re living there!

Making Friends: They didn’t tell you about making life long friends. I’m someone who never had a problem meeting people, I’m just really friendly and out going. But think the one thing they don’t tell you about making friends is how hard it is to keep them, here you are a stranger to this place and everyone has there own idea. When I was working I was in a group of friends who went traveling but some odd reason around Thanksgiving they decided to go to a dinner without inviting me and then that was it, no more talking to me. Another hard thing is when you do make friends, they have there own life, they have there group of friends, memories, people they are going to talk about that you never met. The best advice I can give you is invite yourself, and make own memories with them.

Getting a job: They didn’t tell you what’s it like trying to get a job in a foreign country.  It is going to be very different to getting a job in your own country. You will need to make sure you have the right things, your going to be running around to different government buildings trying to figure it out then trying to apply. Best bet is to walk into some place and ask, sell yourself and work your way up.

“Not actually from here” conversations: How many times have I had this conversation? I’ve also had the “you were in Ireland” conversation way to many times too.  I’ve said this that I felt a lot of the time that I couldn’t get something or someone, or be able to do something, take the chance because I wasn’t from here. Like I couldn’t buy those shoes because would they fit in my suitcase in 9 months. IT WAS FRUSTRATING. And the reminder from people wasn’t helping. But what I did was ignored and proved other wise.

Coming back : They didn’t tell you that when you come back how not only do you want to go back but how suddenly it all is different now.  I think coming back is more of a shock then actually going to a new place because if you are open and ready to try new things then it wont be as a shock of how much it rains and that they call cookies biscuits. But coming back, its a place you should be use to but its throwing you off, you feel weird and everyone looks funny. The buildings are higher and you feel even smaller.

When you live abroad know the good and bad will come, you will feel everything but you will feel yourself growing. Don’t be afraid be shit scared with no fear in your eyes! I never will take those two years away, the stories, the people, the moments I have for a life time. And I hope I can pass on my wisdom of living, studying, and traveling abroad. Open your mind to different things and oppunities. Also hope that those stories will be in a book one day.

xo

Kole.

City Girl Style: Girl Power Tees are more than a trend

let’s talk about how those girls empower t-shirts that everyone is wearing but no one seems to be talking.

girl power tess are more than a trend city girl blog post

Don’t get me wrong here, I love the graphic empowering Tees I just have some concerns.

 

We live in a time where being women, a girl, a lady is important.  More women are fighting and speaking up, calling it out, and saying it straight up. Even younger girls are too. And our clothes are a way of expressing , most definitely.  I’m only wondering if this trend a good thing or a bad thing for women solidarity. What do you think?

In a podcast (it Galz) they pointed out that wearing a t-shirt that says “feminist” is more than a trendy thing to buy.  I can’t remember the exact words they said, I can’t even remember the episode all I remember is they had a point. That this girl power, solidarity, feminist, women empowerment is more than a trend or a fab.  Being a girl, standing in solidarity, equality, Girl boss or girl power is not a “trending” or hashtag thing. It’s an ACT.

 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t wear these T-shirts, I’m all for the activist T-shirts–did you see my FB post that it’s not Band Tee’s anymore. I wonder if its a trend vs. an act. That if your going to wear the Tees you should definitely believe and stand up for what those tees represent. Or are you wearing it for the trendy factor?

I worry that the purpose and goal for feminism will get lost. So many people are wearing them more then speaking up. A lot of people are speaking up, don’t get me wrong but A lot more could be.

 

It’s not even T-shirts, these slogans of “Girl club” “not yours” are on any item of clothing,accessory. Instagram feeds are growing to be more feminists girl power base. But when I asked a girl if she was all for girl power she said “sure, I think it’s really cute though.”

The positive sides to all this it’s turning attention on women issues and will gain more attention, bring a more positive to feminism.

So the question is why are you going to buy the T-shirt for it’s “cool” and “trending” Or are you wearing it to make a bold symbolical statement of what change we want to see in the world. & not only wear it but speak it, walk the walk?

So before you buy a feminist slogan T-shirt from Zara or H&M think about these places where the % goes to some great organisations that do things for women and then some.Processed with VSCO with a5 preset

  • Google Ghost Nasty shirt: % goes to Planned Parenthood
  • My Sister.org: they are fighting and educating on sex trafficking
  • Female Collective: it is a place that uplifts and supports women also works with artist, writers, etc.
  • Feminist Apparel: has some great stuff that they even partner with some organisation.
    *Having a t-shirt like this is a good conversation starter because if someone says I like your t-shirt we say “Penny’s girl” imagine what we say when we tell them we got it at one of these organisations?!?!

Slogan girl power T-shirt are a cool item to wear but  it is more than a trendy fashion piece.  Wear it and also join the movement, educate yourself about women issues, basically stand with woman not only wear it. A way is to get involved in any way possible. It’s more than a fashion statement its a movement to a whole new future for women.Processed with VSCO with 2 preset

I strongly see the future is FEMALE especially if we keep going in this direction!

Follow a city girl story on Facebook page 🙂

 

They only care when you’re doing something wrong // but she was doing it all right ||  

Try putting everything I’ve seen, I’ve felt myself , what others have told me in this. 

They have something to say about how you dress, the colour of your hair. The tattoo on your body, that nose ring in your nose. Fact you speak up but your only really doing it for the likes. Or they call you a bitch for being honest. They leave you comments saying you’re too thick because you aren’t a size two.  Like what they say about you means something, it defines who you are–but that is bullshit.

Here she is being herself and they think what they have a say. That they can just belittle, bully her down, say mean things for what?! For their own stratification, because they don’t like what they see in the reflection. Because it doesn’t agree with them and their own style. Because all she is doing is being herself, but they don’t like it. They will only care when she is doing something wrong. But here’s the thing, she is doing everything right.

IT would be so easy to be like everyone else, to do what everyone else is doing, to conform, to stay silent, to follow the rules of the road, but that is no fun. And worst of all to fear backlash, comments, dislike, or opinions by strangers or people she knows only hurting herself. To lower herself, to be what they want to be is the worst.

…..

Care  but don’t care about peoples opinions. 

Follow a city girl story on instagram

Also today is #internationalgirlsday the blog post is on FB page. 

A City Girl: Keep going backwards

I rewrote this a LOT….

Ireland vs. Minnesota and  back after living away for two years.  It’s been a year, so here is a little update (it’s long, I have a lot to say!)

keepgoingbackwards.jpg

I’m keeping the title the same from when I first wrote this post, because I don’t know what to call it and even though things have changed I still feel myself “going backwards.” I mean, I find myself back to where I was before I moved away.

Many of the things I will talk about here could be summed up as  #youdon’tlknowmylife. It’ll be hard to grasp because you are not me. I can only explain it the best I can and you can only try and understand. People might think they have the answers but it is one of those times where it’s on me. And all you really ask from people is to listen, be there, and understand. 

What hasn’t changed

After a year of living here I still haven’t found my places, I still haven’t found or formed a group I could meet for drinks (people like to brunch here and IDK I rather just have my pancakes). A lot of time I feel out of place and annoyed of how unfriendly this place really is, and I was born here. Or the opportunities here for creative fields are slim.

I’m still not feeling the best about myself–the waves come not as much as they used to, like every day. And it doesn’t help that I’m still not in that career job (more on that) or living in a place of my own. I am uncomfortable, my anxiety is more frequent, and I think we can all agree we feel more at ease when we are around people we enjoy, and in places we know.

REALITY check it’s hard for us 20 something adults trying to make it in the real world. And there are not a lot of creative jobs out there. and you do want to provide for yourself, have opportunities, see the world and live in the world and do what you love, with out the fear and feeling like shit living in it.

Me and MN just never belonged together I think. However, despite this feeling of disappointment and feeling stuck; maybe just maybe things are finally “happening.”

Things began to move

This is where things did began to move because I got a 2nd job that will give me the “experience” I’ve been missing, I believe. Because really, I’ve been applying to jobs for over a year and nothing has been happening. And not getting these jobs, interviews, or even an answer–I began to question myself.  I felt a lot a time a lone, which I know I’m not because I have the same conversation with girls my age A LOT.

A whole year with a masters degree and not doing what I went to school for, was disappointing. I started to feel like shit. Finally I feel I’m on the track I need to be on. I’m creating a lot of content and writing more to build up my CV. It’s not easy being a writer and getting paid for it.  I wish more people grasped that. Despite finally getting something that has put me onto the path I’ve been wanting to be on, there still that frustration and also tiredness of I have a masters and only getting part time minimal jobs. That BITES! Also running around feeling exhausted has giving me no room for anything else…

Let’s talk Blogging

Blogging has suddenly paused. I’ve fallen out of the loop with blogging and bloggers. There are days where I could be on top of it, but I’m tired, or the 6 hour difference struggle.  I love blogging  and well we all want what we love and enjoy to be our job.  I don’t want blogging to become something it isn’t for me, I don’t want to take on #spon, when it’s not right. And that hasn’t come yet in the swoon of random emails of products, companies asking for more followers (the behind blogging stuff).

I will always be honest with you guys. Blogging has really come to a hault a lot of days but some days it’s going. I’m still working on the balance and planning of two jobs, blogging and a life. 

Where am I now? 

I was told at work that I treat “Ireland like my home but it’s not” and that honestly bothered me, because (A) how many times have I talked about why I left because I was temporary?  I told them”I don’t think I do but you should try lifting up your life.” Because I wasn’t living out of a suit case in Ireland, I was improving my life.  And that’s where I am now, trying to get my life back and myself back.

How I miss the girl I once was and I want her back. Moving to Ireland probably was the best thing for me; I really became someone I never thought I would be and losing that affected my confidence in myself on so many levels. I was back on the couch binge watching Gilmore Girls the whole summer. And this girl I grew out of is some how back?

The truth is when you lose yourself in so many ways it’ll take a while to get to where you once were. I think this is where a lot of people get confused and I get tired of talking about it, because the only way to move on is to keep going forward. But I can’t help feeling I keep going backwards.

What’s next?

 I told myself another year in MN despite us not belonging together. Another year so I can start making BIGGER moves. You hear a lot of stories of a girl who started with a blog and now is a best seller–personally I want to be that girl! That’s my goal, I went to school for writing, I want to write. If it’s through someone else’s voice until my voice gets heard then so be it. I never went for Creative writing to write a novel but after this year the thought did cross my mind: “Maybe it’s time to write a novel”.

There is some sort of ‘plan’ floating around in my head, but half the time I have no time, I get stressed, anxiety and fear about my future hits me, and all I want is to live my life doing what I want to do.  State side is not easy going; I am not relaxed with work. And that’s what I miss a lot, the easy going life with drinks on a Monday night, hanging with friends in the Village on a Tuesday evening, stores closing at 6 pm week days.

So what I would like to happen next is to stop feeling this pressure;  I want to keep blogging; I want to see my writing in others’ hands in some form or another.  I want to keep working to have a career writing but I also want to live my life.  After a year of being back I honestly am ready to move forward and I think I can if I keep pushing myself further and don’t let my anxiety, fears, doubts hold me back. 
Processed with VSCO with a5 preset

Over all the biggest thing I learned is to put myself first and limit the stress I put onto myself. It is going to take awhile to put myself back together and figure out life; I need to take baby steps and find those happy things in my daily life. Take care of myself.

I do hope writing these updates aren’t like too much like a diary, but like all my other writings I have done on here it will let others know they’re not alone; they may say “that’s exactly it.” (If you’re saying that’s exactly it comment below with that’s exactly it! We girls (or boys) have to stick together.)

 

 

 

 

 

Bad date part 4: what does a girl want

From the perspective of a city girl

Disclaimer these bad dates aren’t suppose to be hating or anything on dating, men or anything. There mostly suppose to be funny and empowering for girls (I’m a girl).  Part 5 is something I’ve been holding off on because its an important topic of dating and/or relationships.  But first light and fluffy.

What does a girl want? A GREAT song and a good question. .I want to start Part 4 of bad dates with a little example…

one time I was on bumble and this guy asked me for drinks straight away, something I get but I really don’t want to do. I want to talk to the guy before I go meet him–complete stranger! But, I was actually honestly busy which I told him. He decided to offer that “we can just hook up if that would be easier”. He even offered to take me to Perkins. I KNOW PANCAKES! (sarcasm) I told him that if he wanted a hook up he could just go out and pick up a girl the usual way” HIS RESPONSE: “you’re just too hard to please, no drinks, no hooking up, I tried everything” MY ANSWER: :I didn’t say no I said my free days aren’t free at the moment. And hooking up is what ever girl loves to hear *insert the eye rolling emoji*” 

He might be joking. And me ‘calling him’ out he actually saw my point (rare thing) and wanted to start over, but I was kind of over bumble so we never talked again.  Despite a “joke” saying “you’re just hard to please” and telling a girl “we could just hook up if that is easier” IS NOT WHAT THEY WANT.

It would be so easy to tell you what a girl doesn’t want. A game, random out of the blue message of “what’s up” to an emoji after months of silence. A girl doesn’t want some guy to be passive or someone who is intimated by her. List goes on, but what does a girl want?

be213630be215a2ef375c0b735f28c0e.jpg

After a first date with a guy he asked me what I wanted out of this. A question that made no sense to me since this was the first date. And it seemed each time I went on date with a guy or even meeting a guy in the bar it came to this.  What does she want? Because obviously we want to have your babies right there.

What a girl wants with a relationship is more complex every girl wants something different out of a relationship, might be stability, someone to take care of them. Might be a family man someone who is going to take care of the kids. Someone who puts in the work to make things work. A guy who’s going to be there even when its shitty.

Every girl has imagine her dream guy. She has some sort of type; mines between Ryan Gosling and Zac Efron-but British. But girls rarely date there type, I know I haven’t except for hair colour. And I only get series with guys that I feel complete comfortable around-which in all honesty is a rare thing. You know your not going to get into a relationship with a guy who goes agents all your values. That is maybe why when dating I lay it right out there, this is what I value and if they don’t text me back well we didn’t waste our time.

350cb18ca9b443a924bab1051179ff68
Found on Pinterest. Can this guy be my next BF?!?! (he probably already has a gf because he’s perfect with that jean jacket, camera and sign) LOLS

Girls are stereotypical put in this complicated box of, she is not telling you want she wants. It’s in every romcom where the main character is a guy trying to understand his now X girl friend. But as simple as He’s Just Not That Into puts it for guys its the same for girls, “if she wants to date you she will date you.” Or your in the friend zone. *insert some football touch down gif*

We all girls want something different. And it seems with dating its getting harder to get what you want . So to answer your question. What girls want isn’t always a ring, a house or 40 years. When you meet a girl don’t expect her to be walking down the ale any time soon. Some girls, maybe even most girls, only want someone to join them on their adventures of life. But all girls want respect, which will bring on part 5 coming soon.