For the girl who need the reminder of the importance of confidence in herself.

You are feeling discourage in yourself and wanting it all to stop but you don’t know how. So you spend the day in bed questioning everything instead of taking action because every time you take action you are reminded by so much.  You look in the mirror and you see it all; you see your flaws, you see what they might see, you can’t unseen it. And it gets to you. You began to feel unhappy but you’re not sad, your something else. You do not feel that confidence you once felt.

Happiness doesn’t come for things you have. You can go on a shopping spree and it can make you happy but only for a second.  Happiness is how you feel about yourself & if you don’t feel that than what happens? You’re good, you’re breathing it’s just that life has become a little  frustration. Things are getting to you and you began to go down and you get discourage.

You are feeling that fear of failure in yourself and start to see it more and more, that your losing the important parts of life.

 

You’re going to get a little lost, your going to question not only things but yourself, you’re going to get a lot of no’s, your going to get those looks and you just want to get there. You wish people stop talking and telling you things and start handing you the directions you need. You need those words to tell you exactly what you need to hear. So here they are. If we stop questioning ourselves, letting these things frustrating us and making us feel discourage (easier said then done) that we will soon be feeling like ourselves again, we will laugh spontaneous, we will look in the mirror and there you will be. 

hm top grunge pruple lip creative thought lookbookNot loving yourself won’t get you anywhere, it will be hard especially when you’re questioning yourself after a something that effects you so hard, you’re feeling out of place, your feeling the weight of the world, you see your future and your scared, you feel stuck.  And each time you come back to yourself and feeling like your not enough. You need to know you are worth it despite not meeting the demands of others, not having the enough experience. You’re will and confidence in yourself will shine through the heartbreak or hurt. And you will find yourself where you need to be.

Put that effort in yourself again. Where the discourage you felt will turn into confidence. You will feel worth of who you are when you look at yourself, when you walk in a room, you will know despite not looking or acting like everyone else you belong here. That person you’ve been missing will be in front of you again.

And you will soon find yourself without realising in the place you’ve been struggling to get to.

 

 

 

P.S I’m not going to tell you that it will all work out in the end, or when you get to the point you will have the closet full of shoes, maybe you will. Who knows!?

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Let’s talk about mental health: a guide to getting yourself through.

I know it’s not mental health month anymore so I’m behind but I didn’t know if I wanted to write this or how I wanted to write this.

We all have our own mental health story but we all feel the same way towards it (maybe I don’t want to put anything on anyway);we don’t feel like ourselves, we feel silly after and seem crazy. But we aren’t. I never saw my mental health as an issue and personally, I never really talked about it cause I don’t want pity. So I would just brush it off like saying “i’m fine” and giving people nothing when they ask why. But here it is.

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I never realize I had mental health and need to take care of myself until I had a year that I call my dark time. Then I realize this was something I’ve been going through my whole life and needed not only take care of but also understand and know I have no shame towards it. For me, I have anxiety and depression. Also, my brain gets best of me and I have trouble handling things that lead to extreme outburst and panic attacks. And lately, my mental health has been challenged. So, I’ve been having more bad days and moments than good. Which is hard cause it not only reminds me of that dark time but also I know I’m a strong person and know what I can do; yet it seems to not be enough; the bad still keeps hitting me.

I’ve had two major moments where my mental health was at its worst at 10 years old and at 21. I’ve seen the worst, I have memories and feelings that come to me; reminding me. I know where bad is and I know how to get through it but also where I never want to end up. To make sure I don’t end up back in a “dark time” I do things, I keep myself motivated and filled with positives, I fuck the negativity and sometimes that included people and I have the BEST mother in the WORLD. I’ve tried therapy but my personality just didn’t fit. What do I do then? Well I created a list that I hope may help someone else who is going through some bad days, dark days. Below. Remember: you are strong & beautiful.

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How to get out of them is easier said than done but here is a list of things I do to get myself feeling better or good again.

List of things to do to help you through:

  • Take walks or get out of the house. Getting out of the house, getting some fresh air is the perfect way to have some time. Remember to breath in & out.
  • Disconnect from social media and your phone. Don’t look at phone especially if you wake up and you feel it’s going to be one of those days walk away from the phone
  • Do something that makes you feel good. Even if it’s taking a shower or brushing your hair.
  • Read more. I think grabbing that good book really can be a good distracting and let yourself go into a different world
  • Write. Either its dear diary scribbles on side of notes, or writing a story. Writing down can get those thoughts out of your head.
  • Go into your own little world. Put on the noise cancel headphones and listen to those songs that fill you with joy and happiness.
  • Take your camera and go chase some sunsets. Like the first one; I think the best way to get going especially when you feel it coming is to go on an adventure and take some pictures
  • Lay down. When I hit that point of a breakdown; my best thing I  do is just sit in my tub. ITs weird, I honestly sit there with my clothes on and just talk to myself. Like taking a relaxing bath just no water or clothes.
  • Workout. A lot of the time my energy is built up and I need to let it out so I work out.
  • Hang out with the people that know you and can really be there for you.
  • Take the evening to relax. Have one of those me time nights. Put on a face mask, some Gilmore Girls; keep your phone away, and just enjoy a relaxing night in.
  • Sleep and repeat.

These are things I do before the ‘storm’ during the storm, and after the storm; it really depends on how I’m feeling and what is going to be helpful in that moment. I know I’m the person when someone tells me “oh you’ll get over it” or anything that isn’t helpful just makes it worst. This list is a suggestion, some things you might not have tried and could work for you.  A lot of times you do (I do at least) feel silly cause after the storm you feel fine like what happen wasn’t even necessary. But, don’t feel stupid because what you went through and going through was necessary to get to the rainbow!

Mental health is a battle; sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it lasts a whole week. But keep going and try different things; don’t put yourself in a situation that are going to negatively affect you. And if something isn’t working, drop it and walk away. You may not feel like yourself but you’ll soon feel like yourself or a total new person!Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

I find with blogging and being open like this I’m helping that little girl who didn’t understand what was going on in her head or that 20 something girl who needs to know someone out there understands. Talking about mental health breaks the stigma. What someone is going through is there’s. Reminder: you don’t know what someone is going through.  A lot of time people can say “they understand” when they really don’t. What we need to do is talk about them, be there for our friends and loved ones; to not run away but to be there, show support cause when they talk to you they don’t want pity what they want is to talk.   For the girls (&boys) going through the battle of mental health remember that you are strong every day!

I’m no professional I’m a girl who’s living and getting by with a war in her mind (did that rhyme that felt like it rhymed)

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Disclaimer: I’m no way an expert, I never learned this in school, I’m not educated. Terms idk. And I’m taking from my perspective, what my mental health is and what I do. There is more to mental health then what I talking about. If you or someone you know are struggling with depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out—to family, friends, mental health professionals, or crisis workers. In the United States and Canada, you can call the 24-hour, toll-free National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

A City Girl Update: The come back kid, talking about my graduation from UCC

This is an update post to where I am at personally, what graduating from University College Cork was felt like and also about how blogging can really get at you. This is the honest truth about figuring life out. Read to find out more….

The Come Back Kid

I think 25 means you stop waiting around, you stop letting the things you use to put up with hoping it’ll turn around, they’ll show up that you suddenly stop; you hear yourself standing up more, and saying goodbye. Before my two week adventure, I was not feeling it. I wasn’t feeling good. And it had a lot to do where I was in my life and how I saw nothing a head.  I knew I needed to go back to the place to allow myself a break and to bounce myself back.

Which it did, I figured out that I LOVE Ireland and my friends but there was no reason for me to stay and live out of a suitcase. I was done with temporary things. And by the time I had to leave I got another moment of “just leave.” not that I would leave Ireland but just that right moment for yourself to move on.

Processed with VSCO with hb1 presetI also found that I was on the right track of my dream to have a career in writing and being creative that I just needed to do what I’ve been telling myself for months. Which I needed to get my confidence back. Because well life is like Ikea direction and I was frustrated, and lost. I was feeling very shot down but then I remember who I was and what I could do. I was finding my “you’ll regret this” dress. What I mean is you know when some crush dumps you or makes you feel like crap, what does a girl do? She gets all dress up, she puts on that dress and she goes out on top! Feeling that “you’ll regret this.”

And when I got home, not only did I turn 25 but I was in my last week of working a temporary job I liked but wasn’t for me. It was starting to feel like a fresh start and motivation to really go for what I wanted.  I felt my confidence grow and my determination build. I felt like the things I had dealt with either my whole life or last five months were vanishing. I was finally letting go of the things I kept waiting and holding onto for so long.

Graduation

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Sometimes I wonder if it’s all in my head that I really don’t struggle as much as I feel like I do. When I finished undergrad I didn’t do the graduation because I wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel like I achieved even though I did, I didn’t feel like it was my best. That had a lot to do with the fact my year was 100% not good. But, when I was in grad school that was different.  I felt like I finally achieved my goal. I did my best. I finally felt accomplish. Because even though the last 5 months made me second guess my choice in graduate school in Ireland. I knew it was the best decision and most accomplishment I had ever had. Until…

I open my e-mails. I got some not some good news from a submission place and it kept getting worst (like no one died or anything). I was feeling like here was this big achievement and it really felt like it didn’t matter.  I was seeing the bad over the good, like always. And my mom changed all that.

Having her there was important. Having her tell so many strangers how proud of me she was–not only was embarrassing MOM STOP but made me feel good. She has been there for it all, she has pushed and fought for me. And having her there watching me as I got my diploma from UCC. Meant the world to me, but it also reminded me that this was a big achievement for me and to forget the negative and focus on the good. That all I really needed was my mom.

Because despite my difficulties with English I graduated from a top college, in creative writing, I did it all in Ireland. This opportunity was fantastic and will bring me so many places. And I couldn’t be prouder.

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Feeling lost is OKAY!

This is my story. My goal in writing pieces like these will not only shed light on who I am but have others see themselves and relate to parts of it with me.

When Rory Gilmore came back onto my television screen she said the one thing that I was so thrilled to hear: “I’m feeling very lost right now.” Anyone else just go ‘yes’? And said ‘hell yes’ when she said “I have no job, I have no credit, I have no underwear.”

5 months ago I came back from Ireland and it is not easy to let go or move on. I feel lost like Rory says, if you follow on twitter you’ll know. But here, we are 20 something girls who are now in their mid-twenties educated, skilled with experience but it’s not good enough. It’s not only frustrating but confusing because it wasn’t suppose to be like this. And I  am sitting here thinking I gave up everything  for this?

I always had this point to drive me. For example, I wanted to go back to Ireland I found a job, wanted to go to graduate school in Ireland I did, and now I don’t know because the point is so much bigger it’s a life. How do I get there, is it through blogging, is it through writing on the side, like what do I have to do? The other day I was convince on moving back to Ireland. I feel this sickness and fear build inside of me that’s personal–and really couldn’t even tell you why. I felt this push outside of me that I had to leave Ireland because if I didn’t leave I would be dealing with the same shit over and over again (that shit is personal), but I came back to nothing and more pressure and more anxiety that you just feel lost and have no real point of direction.  I so badly want to too but like is it right? The reality wall hits again–it all comes back to that. I am missing something that I got there and isn’t here.

And how do we find that thing again that we left behind? A lot of times we look back and we only see the good. We miss what was and want that back thus we lose focus on what’s happening and the moments a head. It can be harder, I know. But the one thing we should not do is look back and also compare/listen to others.

A lot of times I think it’s what is expected, and what our peers are doing better than us. We  feel this pressure and failure upon ourselves when we do this. Like I’ve been told “like you’re only 25” but I also had the other end of “your 25 and you haven’t”…. It’s this rude thing that comes out of people, this need to tell you and be shocked by you,have an opinion on you. Top it up we also have this self pressure we put on yourself and comparing to others that we all do. And what happens well if you’re anything like Rory Gilmore…

You’ll take anything, you would take a job to write about lines that are “hipster”, you’d sleep with a Wookie, and you’ll take an unpaid position in your small town because it’s not only comfortable but you think it might be exactly where you need to be. But you don’t feel any better.

All I can say is  we will figure this out. We have to because we are meant for so much then what we are getting. I am going through that same feeling and all I know is what I know. I know what to do to calm my anxiety, to get rid of that overwhelming feeling–and that is to ride it out. Also I said this in my 2017 goals is to put myself out there, I know the whole thing has a lot to do with my feeling but also my self-doubt and it doesn’t help that no matter how much you try it’s not good enough. See it as a challenge to really fight, I haven’t found that thing I want to fight for but I will always fight for myself–and so should you!Processed with VSCO with f2 preset

Ask yourself instead of those larger questions like what do you want, where do you see yourself. Go smaller, what are you going to do on Friday that will benefit you, are you going to volunteer, are you going to go on a road trip, are you going to go out and have a cup of coffee and do some writing? Are you going to send out those applications, open submissions? Don’t forget take the time to build yourself and then sell yourself.

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Lookbook: Day to Night

Jacket: Francescas

Shirt: H&M

Shoes: Steve Madden

Skirt/ tutu/dress: self made by my mom-she had talent!

City Girl: Living in Ireland vs. Living in Minnesota

a-city-girl-story-blogLiving in Ireland vs living in Minnesota is  my story of what its been like. This is not suppose to be like Ireland is better or disowning Minnesota, this is just the differences for me and my transition is like. Warning its long one, so grab a cuppa and a blank it. 

If you didn’t know I lived in Ireland for two years and I’m back in Minnesota.Some may think it maybe easy coming back, but its not. I’ve been gone two years. My prime 20s (22-24) was lived in Ireland and I really loved it there a lot, I felt like I belonged, I liked what I could do, and the easy going of it all. And now I am back where I was from and its a bit weird because I have grown out of it. That’s hard.

The most drastic change I am going through, I mean its all pretty drastic, but the location of where I am living and the not so easy access to things. In Minnesota I am living in the berbs where I’m surrounded by houses and streets, gas stations, and locals community things. I can drive 15 minutes to get anywhere, 6 different targets. There’s no local pub just liquor stores. And traffic has become worst. In Ireland, I lived in two places one was near a beach where I had to drive places to get to shops/pubs but I lived right on the beach so nature and adventures got me out of the house. I lived in the city were I was surrounded by things, places and people that I could walk to. And I really liked walking, not being able to walk everywhere is hard, I’ve become lazy. I just walk across the hall to do a work out and do office work-easily distractions that is why I always left to go to the library. (oh Boole Lib how i miss you and Q2 #futurehusbanhunt).

Another thing is I had my usual places, I knew how to get around. Where oddly enough I’m lost to how to get around in Minnesota. I don’t know where to go if I want the best muffin, or sit to just have a casual drink without feel out of place (Silly Goose was that) or my usual going out place with causal yet a dance floor (Reardens).  I don’t know where to go, and I’ve been trying to find my “Minnesota places.”  But I feel more out of place then before. You feel odd.

Odd. Its odd to say to people that you have to double check your count of money when you have an American accent-because like you should know this- and to be fair I wasn’t really good at counting change until I moved to Ireland thank you Euro coins. And all the bills are same color so…which ones which like?! It’s odd.

There is culture differences with living in Ireland vs in Minnesota, but this post wasn’t about that. I do see it, and I am very understanding that it is different. And I am living a different life just have to find my places. However its not easy.

More Personally…

I left my life and friends in Ireland. And people I know on this side are living far away from me, have moved on with there lives just like I have. And really my closes friends are in Ireland, I mean 2 years of people I’ve hung out with all the time I’m not anymore, that’s hard.  I’m missing out on things like  my best friends birthday, I’m missing 12 pubs- I’d like to do those things here bring the things I enjoy here but who, where and when I have no answer to.

Coming back means starting over, a good example is I made connections with my blog in Ireland and places now I have to find it here–and there are more people here. And I don’t really know where I fit in. 

The question I get asked a lot…

Would I go back to Ireland? Of course. Would I move back, I don’t know. I left for a reason and I can’t just go back because I have nothing and I’m still adjusting. I told people a year in Minnesota and then we will see does that rule out Ireland no. I know I have to give this a chance, but like we have established I’m not good at this whole waiting thing like.

This has and still is a transition and I’m just figuring it all out, taking one day at a time.

xox

Kole

This was my story. If you would like advise post about how to adapt oneself or deal with transitioning let me know.  OR if you want me to write anything else. Let me know, I like to hear from you because really I’m just running on what pops in my brain and stories I’d like to share.  And it would be nice to get some feedback and suggestions 🙂 So let me know down below.  

Leaving was always easy when there was nothing there…

Leaving can be hard to understand, how you feel about it. I have left many things and each time I think about it (overthink it because that is what I do). But, when leaving some where that has had a great impact on you, changed you, where you have developed relationships and you have become attached (only word I can think of), it is not easy.Azar NafisiquoteThe reason being is that I am not good with goodbyes. I know I am not, I know I distance myself, act out, push away. I see it and I hate it; but it happens. There is probably some psychological reason why I do it, but I just don’t know what to do when I actually have to say goodbye. I rather say see you soon. Its hard to leave something when there is something there.

But leaving when there is nothing that’s when leaving is easy. There are quotes all over pinterest and you can find more online that tell you ‘no good reason to stay is a good reason to go’ (basically). However, my favourite quote is  “it is so hard to leave until you leave, and then it’s done then it’s the easiest goddamn thing in the world” (John Green).

What that means is leaving is always hard but it is the easiest most ‘freeing’ thing you can do for yourself. Leaving allows me to grow, to not stay still. “Don’t be someone that searches, finds, and then runs away.” Paulo Coelho.  

Leaving is hard, but you just got to go and see where life takes you.

Its not easy being back….

I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile….

Coming back after study abroad is not easy, your not only have culture shock of a place that was never a shock, but also going back to the place that hasn’t changed except you have and you realize you don’t fit here anymore.  Also reality hits you like a brick wall-  e.x school.

Here’s my story of being back….

Been back to school for about four months now and it was not easy, but its getting easier.

At first, in short, i did not want to be here. Then last month I just felt a lot of pressure on myself and having to be here. I felt force to be here when I don’t want to be. i’m the kind of person where when someone tells me I can’t I do  anything to show I can– and “can’t” go off and experience the world and travel and just do what I want to do because of reality made me depressed.  The can’t could not be proven wrong. I felt stuck.  On top of that school was just overwhelming because thats all I was doing, I did not have time for anything but school. And I just wanted to just through my hands in the air and quite. But I’m not a quitter. So I went home and talked to my dad and he gave me advise, to stop planning so far ahead because I’m so focus on the next year and all the possibilities that I am missing out on the $100 on the ground right in front of me.

I know that I have a year left and have to just deal with this is where my life is (stuck part) so I’m making the best of it focusing on school trying not to feel so overwhelmed by it by planning out my day and staying organize the best I can. School always has kicked my butt and its  a lot more work here thus I have to again go back to working 10 times harder. However, I am making sure I have time for fun. I liking going out and being around people,   I always liked socializing. I just want to meet people and enjoy life.  Focus on myself  and being selfish (a quote I read once said these are the years where you should be selfish). I am not attached to this place, never have been but this is where I have to be, and some days I don’t want to be here, and I want to get on a plan and travel.  I miss being in Ireland I don’t think these feeling will ever go away, because they impacted my life greatly. They’ve changed me.

I did not write this post for a rant or to tell you my business and I really didn’t. It’s just a story, a tip,  for other study abroad students to relate to– that YES after you come back from study abroad you will feel culture shock, and feel stuck. Its not fun. You cry over pictures,  you can’t stop talking about the places you went, you talk to your friends you met there and miss them like CRAZY and  you can’t stop feeling these feelings.  But you just have to make the best of it, be who you became from that experience, talk about it because it happen, and enjoy  whats happening right in front of you- but one important thing you need to do  FOCUS on yourself, take care of you, be selfish don’t let anything limit you.

And it does not hurt to day dream about when you will be back, and be determine to make it happen because if you don’t that feeling of stuck will never go away.

My determination that in a year I will be au pairing in Ireland. Nothing stopping me.