Why you should be reading my words

Spilled Ink: the importance of words and using them as a blogger.

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As a blogger I want to inspire and drive girls who are going/went through similar  situations I went through.  To do that, I am writing more than about my outfit, favourite things, or my travel guides–there is nothing wrong with talking about those things-– I’m going to tell my story and experiences. And not only on here but on instagram. There is this worry of being so open and not writing what is typical blogger. But here’s the thing what I’m writing are things I need to write  & love to write. Writing long ass captions are going to happen, writing post that aren’t typical or popular are going to happen and if that means less traffic that’s okay. Before I go on let me tell you what happen.

I wrote an honest caption on Instagram dealing with depression and over coming it; someone comment on it referring to my abs. Now, it was a nice comment and all, but I didn’t quite see the point in comment about my abs when the caption was such BIGGER than my abs. I could go on about how girls are more than their bodies. But the problem was it wasn’t about my abs and I question if she even read my caption? What if it was short and said “sad my dog died” and then comment like that. IT happen again when writing about something personal and someone comment was not about what I said but the picture itself.  I began to wonder are people reading what I’m writing? 

It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I get very upset, very frustrated–here me out. Besides being educated as a writer, writing has always been something important in my life.  I know blogging is something light and fluffy, it was built on fashion bloggers and trends turn into a way of marketing. But writing is more than Top 10s. Magazines are a good example of using writing of trends, fashion, soft-news and going further.

IMG_5552These days, there is this sudden lack of writing people actually do when it comes to blogging or in general (Thanks 124 characters and snapchat). People who say they’re bloggers but they have no blog. Bloggers who post a blog and all it has are pictures taken from other sites and links. Like come on! It is like what people say when they go to an Art museum and say “this is in an art museum I could do that!”    I am not trying to call out any other bloggers out! I’m calling out the lack of effort in writing, the lack of art, the fakeness that isn’t even being hidden. Blogging has become the ability to take a picture, putting together an outfit, and  cut and paste.

I don’t follow any blogs that do that, but I have seen some; and it’s just frustrating as a blogger, a writer  because these people are getting the attention? It is why books like 50 Shades of Grey is a best seller. OOPS. Writing is hard, it isn’t easy but don’t try to half ass it,  don’t  try to fast track your blog to get traffic or even put a post that all it is links.

You  don’t have to go write the next great American novel. And I’m not saying my words are so important, but I’m writing for a purpose. My goal with writing is to always to inspire, bring a different voice and perspective, and maybe even start a conversation. Which is why when I do any post, fashion, lifestyle, travel I try to go further. And it’s hard believe me trying to write that make up post I was trying so hard and I caved and went with 101 about make up. Wasn’t what I had planned but I also made it what I wanted young girls to know about make up then what they may see or feel. What I want is for you to read my words because sure it is long but they are important, it’s why I do this. It doesn’t even have to be right when I post, you can wait and read later. All I want is to have my words read and when I get comments that are about what I wrote it makes me feel great.

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Like I said, I’m not calling anyone out, I’m not trying to tell others what to do-I’m questioning where writing has gone and the importance of writing is in 2017 with social media, claims of fake news and blogging. I am all for visual blog post, like I love lookbook sites. I don’t hate on the emoji caption either. You know I like those real, sarcastic caption. IT can’t all be deeply meaningful, we have our fun too.  I’m honestly frustrated how writing has become such an unimportant thing for blogging.

Sue me but I got a master in Creative Writing so writing, words they’re important to me. Speaking of creative writing, I talked about how I wanted to get my fiction stuff out there, in print, so I started a project but I don’t know I lost motivation I’ve grown this sense of worry that my words, my fictional stories will never see the eyes of others. I do have a creative section on my blog and I want to use it up, but I also want to do things away from the “city Girl story blog” identity and become a writer. But fear rejection and assumptions, my stories are more important to me because I write from a whole different side of myself that I never share or show anyone. So, I’m going to try because I’m a writer and my words need to be read fiction, non-fiction ect.

A City Girl Update: New hair, new focus, new point of view, new composition…

I’m just naming photography terms. I thought I write a little city girl up date focus on inspiration, instagram and creating cause I’ve been feeling very unease and uninspired which I wanted to explain.

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There are two things that has formed this brick wall blocking my creativity. I’m a creative person but lately I’ve been feeling uninspired. I have nothing to write about and  it isn’t cause I can’t focus. I want to take my camera out but I’m having trouble shooting and its not cause my batter is low. It’s for the reasons I’m going to explain here.

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The first one is privacy, fakeness, and spam that has popped up too many times. If you follow me on twitter you will know my hate for spam especially phone calls so when I get spam/scam/fake accounts on instagram and then comments on my blog I get unease, I get mad. I get scared.That’s why I take notice and always try to make some friendly connections.  There are block buttons, mark as spam; which I am not hesitant to use. But there are those accounts that are–so bloody fake and trying to sell you something–we know them–seeing your stuff and it can feel unease. I’ve always shared little details as possible even in the most personal post I’ve written. I hardly ever do selfies on my public accounts. But, now with things like instagram stories you have more ability to share and there are things I want to share; I want to talk to people CAUSE I LOVE TO TALK. That’s exposing myself more; which I’m not a fan of. So, for awhile now I’ve been unsure what to share on instagram.

Second, I feel like I’m put in a box when it comes to photography. On my own of course, because I want to post what people will appeal to, what people will like and is “blogger fitting” (new term I created). I would never consider myself an art’s but I’m creating pieces for people to read, find something in and inspire. I’m creating stories. Even through blogging. But I feel like it has limited me into this box of blue. I don’t really know what I want, I see what others do and be like. I want to create that but I’m not seeing it; I look out my window I see the shadow of lights on the house next door and think that could be a photo but how do I create that photo?

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I find myself pulling away from instagram like Facebook its become over rated, it becoming too much. I hate that cause I love instagram! Personally, there is shit going on that has consume my thoughts and that has formed a wall too but creativity has always been my escape. However, that too is suffering, cause I have nothing, I feel unease and I want to grow.  But I don’t know how or where to go, I’m stuck.

What can you do when your blocked and can’t see it? Well I know what I need to do. So, I am doing some clean up, I plan to really challenge myself as a writer and photographer; get some deep shadows and feelings (haha). I’m going to write more thoughtful, flash fiction pieces, throw some more artistic photographs in there, maybe even some lace, and really grow. I have a project for a book to self publish by end of summer!  Getting myself out of this box that’s too comfortable. You always want to grow. And I so badly want to grow.

IF you follow me on instagram you might know where i got the inspiration for my title 😉

 

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Spill it out: I don’t want to be a good influence.

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I don’t want to be a good influence because that’s too much pressure for me.

We all want to find something of ourselves in someone else, we find inspiration but we also find jealousy. I’ve had my experience of both.  We can’t help it but I think we should find more inspiration from others vs jealousy. Staying on track with how I don’t want to be a good influence. No one wants the there daughter to be dropping f-bombs but maybe they want someone their daughter can talk to, can give them advice. Giving inspiration and determination. And that is me.

No one is perfect, and I am far from it. I am 25 years old, not only do I swear, but I drink, I’ve gotten myself into situations I regret, I don’t eat my crust, I don’t listen, I’ve driven over the speed limit, I show more skin in winter & in summer and I talk back. I am a 25-year-old woman who is going to be a 25-year-old women. However, despite that I am someone girls can look up to. I understand my platform, I understand that people look up to me from the little one to my cousins to my peers. And I want them to. Because, as I grew up I didn’t really have that. I had a few but there was more I had to learn on my own or through friends that would be GREAT to have someone older to be there. Through blogging that’s my goal.

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There are topics I wanted to talk about on here that I stepped away from; like this post was going to be something completely different but I deleted out of fear of what people may think. Not about me more out of consideration of how others may react, and opinions, negative ones. I never want to offend. There are topics and subjects that are hard to talk about, one’s that are seen shameful or make people bashful. I personally, don’t mind talking about the topics but I feel more awkward when I know others don’t. I also 100% worry of being called names or opinions from outside voices just cause of a topic. Which just makes me more want to talk about it.

This is life, these things are happening in our lives; and the more we don’t talk about them the more we will either feel shame or there won’t be a change. They won’t be a lesson learned or even understatement.

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So, I’m going to talk about some things; you might not like them you might not agree with them. Hey, thats how the world works and that is fine. But don’t shame or be mean to someone because of that. We hear/see it so often people comments, people being opinionated towards who we are, what we do etc in life and online.  Great fantastic– like the random people on the beach when I was having one of the most frustration moments of my nanny life with a dog and a ball telling me what to do–I will tell you what I told them–go away. I won’t be a good influence cause I will never meet others standers nor will I want to.

When I nannied the best feeling in the world was knowing that I impacted her (&him) vs verse to me as well. The moment she says she learned it from me even if it was “probably shouldn’t have taught her that” like “that’s my name don’t wear it out.” That honestly was the best feeling. I know I’m no one, nor do I want to be, but if I can change (impact) girls in a way that makes them into empowering, driven, independent girls who have no fear of being who they are. Then I will be happy.

What I will be isn’t a good influence but I will be someone to look up to.

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A day in life of a city girl living in a big city.

I wanted to write this so when someone stubbles on my blog they get a little more. Also this is in relations to a out of blue post I did called “Today was a good day”. This post really focuses on the contrast of life abroad to here. 

I wrote this post Today was a good day, after having this best friendly experience in Benefits and Only. I am someone who is just trying to find her place and feel important, like anyone else. and while living in Ireland I got a lot of that, while here not so much. It’s so go-go there is no time to learn someone’s name.

 

Like the other day I walk into Sephora and they were friendly but they weren’t going to sit down and be like lets do make up. Or booking something was so many hoops-two weeks in advance I understand but when asking to book it–honestly it didn’t feel easy it felt like a hassle basically. Compared to when I did it in Benefit after buying something it was like “how about this day” no problem. And even when one time it did screw up–I felt this unease frustrating, “not worthy” feeling and walked out. When I came back they felt so bad, they sat me down right away. And I was right back to feeling like this girl was my BFF again.

 

There was this sense of friendship and connections I made while living in Ireland like every place I went was “my place” (not in a childish that’s mine) but there was a sense of belonging.  While here I can’t tweet a local pub (bar) and even get a response, the person at a counter is trying to sell me something or spray perfume in my face. I go into coffee shops and they smile, but they smile at me. While living abroad having the bar tender know my name; or even have a conversation with me, being in a store and chatting with me, making friends on twitter or even having the library and Rearden’s interact with me on social media, not only made me feel good it is what made me go to them.   Now here it seems it’s just a place and I’m just a girl. Read Tody was a good day.

 

After living abroad, my mind really open up not only seeing what others saw but also experience other ways of living life. And I learned something. Here stores open at 10 and close at 9; stores abroad open by 9 and close by 6; you catch the bus, travel by train. Going to the local pub on a week day at 8 pm is normal.  Not saying Ireland or any place is perfect; what I’m saying is maybe they have the right idea of how to live and do life with being easy going and on the whole not tipping thing. What I’m really saying is….We are always in crowded places, stuck in rush hour traffic, trying to be the first one of  something or off the free way. Such a hustle and bustle. And that really is the main thing.

 

adayinlifeIt’s time to take our time, really have a conversation with the bar tender, get to know the person you randomly sat down next to, close down shops early, and really focus on what is important. I’m a city girl trying to find her place in this big place.

 

 

 

 

Let’s talk about mental health: a guide to getting yourself through.

I know it’s not mental health month anymore so I’m behind but I didn’t know if I wanted to write this or how I wanted to write this.

We all have our own mental health story but we all feel the same way towards it (maybe I don’t want to put anything on anyway);we don’t feel like ourselves, we feel silly after and seem crazy. But we aren’t. I never saw my mental health as an issue and personally, I never really talked about it cause I don’t want pity. So I would just brush it off like saying “i’m fine” and giving people nothing when they ask why. But here it is.

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I never realize I had mental health and need to take care of myself until I had a year that I call my dark time. Then I realize this was something I’ve been going through my whole life and needed not only take care of but also understand and know I have no shame towards it. For me, I have anxiety and depression. Also, my brain gets best of me and I have trouble handling things that lead to extreme outburst and panic attacks. And lately, my mental health has been challenged. So, I’ve been having more bad days and moments than good. Which is hard cause it not only reminds me of that dark time but also I know I’m a strong person and know what I can do; yet it seems to not be enough; the bad still keeps hitting me.

I’ve had two major moments where my mental health was at its worst at 10 years old and at 21. I’ve seen the worst, I have memories and feelings that come to me; reminding me. I know where bad is and I know how to get through it but also where I never want to end up. To make sure I don’t end up back in a “dark time” I do things, I keep myself motivated and filled with positives, I fuck the negativity and sometimes that included people and I have the BEST mother in the WORLD. I’ve tried therapy but my personality just didn’t fit. What do I do then? Well I created a list that I hope may help someone else who is going through some bad days, dark days. Below. Remember: you are strong & beautiful.

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How to get out of them is easier said than done but here is a list of things I do to get myself feeling better or good again.

List of things to do to help you through:

  • Take walks or get out of the house. Getting out of the house, getting some fresh air is the perfect way to have some time. Remember to breath in & out.
  • Disconnect from social media and your phone. Don’t look at phone especially if you wake up and you feel it’s going to be one of those days walk away from the phone
  • Do something that makes you feel good. Even if it’s taking a shower or brushing your hair.
  • Read more. I think grabbing that good book really can be a good distracting and let yourself go into a different world
  • Write. Either its dear diary scribbles on side of notes, or writing a story. Writing down can get those thoughts out of your head.
  • Go into your own little world. Put on the noise cancel headphones and listen to those songs that fill you with joy and happiness.
  • Take your camera and go chase some sunsets. Like the first one; I think the best way to get going especially when you feel it coming is to go on an adventure and take some pictures
  • Lay down. When I hit that point of a breakdown; my best thing I  do is just sit in my tub. ITs weird, I honestly sit there with my clothes on and just talk to myself. Like taking a relaxing bath just no water or clothes.
  • Workout. A lot of the time my energy is built up and I need to let it out so I work out.
  • Hang out with the people that know you and can really be there for you.
  • Take the evening to relax. Have one of those me time nights. Put on a face mask, some Gilmore Girls; keep your phone away, and just enjoy a relaxing night in.
  • Sleep and repeat.

These are things I do before the ‘storm’ during the storm, and after the storm; it really depends on how I’m feeling and what is going to be helpful in that moment. I know I’m the person when someone tells me “oh you’ll get over it” or anything that isn’t helpful just makes it worst. This list is a suggestion, some things you might not have tried and could work for you.  A lot of times you do (I do at least) feel silly cause after the storm you feel fine like what happen wasn’t even necessary. But, don’t feel stupid because what you went through and going through was necessary to get to the rainbow!

Mental health is a battle; sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it lasts a whole week. But keep going and try different things; don’t put yourself in a situation that are going to negatively affect you. And if something isn’t working, drop it and walk away. You may not feel like yourself but you’ll soon feel like yourself or a total new person!Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

I find with blogging and being open like this I’m helping that little girl who didn’t understand what was going on in her head or that 20 something girl who needs to know someone out there understands. Talking about mental health breaks the stigma. What someone is going through is there’s. Reminder: you don’t know what someone is going through.  A lot of time people can say “they understand” when they really don’t. What we need to do is talk about them, be there for our friends and loved ones; to not run away but to be there, show support cause when they talk to you they don’t want pity what they want is to talk.   For the girls (&boys) going through the battle of mental health remember that you are strong every day!

I’m no professional I’m a girl who’s living and getting by with a war in her mind (did that rhyme that felt like it rhymed)

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Disclaimer: I’m no way an expert, I never learned this in school, I’m not educated. Terms idk. And I’m taking from my perspective, what my mental health is and what I do. There is more to mental health then what I talking about. If you or someone you know are struggling with depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out—to family, friends, mental health professionals, or crisis workers. In the United States and Canada, you can call the 24-hour, toll-free National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

My Story: Moving Back after living away for two years

I think it’s hard a lot of the times because I never expected myself to move back. And coming back after two years is not easy. Things I am going to talk about in this blog post are all personal. I also hope that these words will find others advise, strength, or themselves.

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Missing What Was

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I’m at the point of really missing my life I had for the past 2 years. I’m missing my usual places, friends especially human contact, to sit in a pub, walking, chasing sunsets and ability to hop on a bus and see sheep. I miss meeting people on nights out–I went out with my friend on St. Patricks day here, and it was different. No one was willing to talk to a stranger–a comment here and there in passing. Not having that night out, meeting people was weird and something I miss.

I am missing getting dressed up with out question, to feel like I wasn’t standing out, to doing things every day even if it was just a walk to the gym. I know it takes time and you really just got to keep trying, but I find myself not wanting to leave the house.

I guess when anyone moves away from your life you are going to feel this isolation and missing feeling.

Feeling Out of Place

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I liked living in Cork, the ability to walk everywhere, shopping was just a few blocks away. Go out my door and into a pub to have one, to watch the match, or sit to write with some coffee in the Roundy or the Raven. Now, I’m struggling to find my place in this hipster Minnesota. Going into the Twin Cities trying to find the right pub in a sea of breweries.  Trying to find a friendly face in a coffee shop or in a store.

It’s hard cause like I said I am from here. I should know where to go or what to do. But I never fitted into the “way of life” here. A lot of time it is the culture shock. Also, it seems if you didn’t go to high school with someone they don’t want to bother. The social life is different here, that’s for sure. I would never go downtown or to a club here. Going out seems pointless, really, because I don’t want to put on heels for a pub with 20 TVs and no one is going to even talk to you. I went to different things volunteering or blogging events–and even though they got me out of the house, the vibe wasn’t right. I am not the American girl in the village, I’m just the girl in the city. The girl who will says ‘grand’ still (sue me!).

Living in Ireland I felt in place. I go take a walk on the beach, work out on the beach, take a walk through the city with no worry I knew where to go, what to avoid and despite the occasional cat call I knew how to handle myself and speak up. Now I’m feeling uncomfortable.

I want to cover myself up and hide a lot of the times. I don’t feel confident, and my confidence in myself always helped me walk the streets on my own, always helped me ignore my anxious or feel out of place, it always helped me to be brave enough to give a look back.


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The weird part is I am a confident person yet right now my confidence is very low. Which is new to me and I am finding it hard to get out of, lack of a better word, “funk.” it is easy to get stuck like nothing can help you. You try to do anything like you try to write but you can’t your stuck. So how do you get out of this funk?

I’ve been very lucky, I don’t take any of the things I’ve done for granted. But when I look back at photos I missed that person I was and I don’t feel like her. Because I feel discouraging, frustrated, unease, isolation and out of place.

All anyone wants is to have is a life they are happy in, and feel happy too.

Personally I’m going through two dramatic changes in my life, moving and exiting school–you know the one where you are out of school trying to make it as an adult. And it’s really discouraging. I’m discouraging a lot of ways, not only in job related, but in my writing, in blogging, in photography, socially, adulting, in counting my change out at the register. And nothing anyone tells me helps. Except when I look to others I follow and watch who say exactly what I feel, and that is why I’m writing this.

Where do we go from here?

1e6dec070533b10d4539b0aa5838f3b2You could have had really good weeks of not feeling any struggle or hurt then have two weeks of feeling it all. So what do you do? For me personally, when I’m bored I am BORED. I can’t even write. It comes to a point where nothing is exciting and everything is boring.

Throw yourself into something is easier said then done. So like they tell you when you break up with someone, don’t go on social media, distract yourself, take care of yourself, and really don’t listen to the outside world. Surround yourself with people who don’t to tell you instead they are there and listen. Keep your days busy, plan them out, leave the house (even if you don’t want to), do something different. Keep trying even if the bar or coffee shop didn’t work out, try another. Feeling like a total failure, put on that “regret me dress” and know you are worth it! Out of place and no one is approachable, join something, don’t wait to be invited invite yourself–and if your anxiety comes or the culture shock is shocking just step away and regroup. Wearing make up, putting on heels, saying grand this is who you are now–who cares if it doesn’t fit with the surroundings!

And most importantly do something to make you happy <<< that’s best advise I ever got & the person who said that to me was 5.

Your working towards your goals and dreams. To get yourself back to the person you where. You really will never forget and will always feel the connection between that place/person, for me Ireland and my friends. You’ll just get to a point where you are not missing but remembering. Things will get there it just takes time (i hate that as well no worries) but I do hope me writing will let you know your not alone. To feel understood.

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I wrote this to tell MY story to tell people what it’s like to be in my shoes.  

 

What its like having a learning disability as an adult.

What it’s like to have a learning disability as an adult going into the real world. 

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If you want to know about what its like having a learning disability I talked about it in a blog post here.  In this post I am going to talk about the struggles you face as an adult going into the working world with a learning disability. Because here I am with my difficulties I am writing a blog, got my masters in creative writing and trying to go into a career that has writing into it.

Being able to do that despite my difficulties really shows my character but I also hope it will shows others with or without a learning disability that even having these difficulties doesn’t mean you can’t do anything. You just work differently. You have other strengths and have extreme worth ethic.  A lot of time when working or when asked to do a job; we question ourselves if we can do it? We know what are challenges are, we worry about failing, but we say yes anyways. Because we learned to not only accept it but we know despite it we can do anything. However, there are times where we face it and we feel it all.

Once again at you and your sitting there trying your hardest to overcome it, to fight it, to succeed but its not enough.

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Those times come a lot when you get something back and it says “your spelling and grammar” or sometimes it can feel like everyone is telling you should know this when really you can’t–I have had MANY people tell me well your an English major you should know how to spell. And just cause it is called a learning disability it effects you outside of school too. Which makes it harder because now your face with new challenges all on your own-there is no IEP, no teacher, no resources. Just you.

You are struggling to write that e-mail. You’re faced with having someone spell their name but you keep hearing similar sounds. Your reading the requirements of a position and all you see is your difficulties.  You just want to tell people “Hey I have —” but not make it sound like an excuse but for them to understand you work differently.

As someone who writes and wants to go in a career that has writing in it and my grammar is not that great. It’s hard, because does that mean I don’t get the job. And this has always been my challenge that I not only had to work twice as hard but it’s something I have to fight towards others and show even though I can’t spell worth shit I have endless ideas because of my ADHD.

People with learning disabilities have had these challenges their whole life and fighting gets tiring a lot of the time because all we want is that career. And I think the most hard part is that having a learning disability isn’t visible. There is no red arrow above pointing at you. We are look like everyone else but our brains are different–so when we are faced with our challenges others  may see “are they stupid”. Sometimes

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Remember this: you have other skills that make you a strong key person to have for the job.

This has been ‘real’ for me my whole life. I have accepted my learning disability but here I am wanting  career that deals with writing maybe even visual communications despite my learning disability. Because I want it–and that drive will get me places. And the question I want to now ask everyone else is can you accept it? Can you accept someone with a learning disability? Can you not question them for writing the wrong their? Can you see how hard they work to succeed? Can you see their flaws are not flaws at all? Because someone with a learning disability needs the outside world to see how despite their challenges they can do the job. Maybe even harder then someone who hasn’t dealt with a learning disability all their life?

Note: Having a learning disability has other aspects including emotionally and mentally which I would love to talk more but I felt the focus of this was more on having ADHD & APD in the working/adult world.

 Follow a city girl story on instagram and like the FB page. 

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P.S if something is spelled wrong on here, I decided not to do the extra mile to emphasis more on how my learning disabilities effect and challenge me. It’s a metaphor.