Spill it out: I don’t want to be a good influence.

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I don’t want to be a good influence because that’s too much pressure for me.

We all want to find something of ourselves in someone else, we find inspiration but we also find jealousy. I’ve had my experience of both.  We can’t help it but I think we should find more inspiration from others vs jealousy. Staying on track with how I don’t want to be a good influence. No one wants the there daughter to be dropping f-bombs but maybe they want someone their daughter can talk to, can give them advice. Giving inspiration and determination. And that is me.

No one is perfect, and I am far from it. I am 25 years old, not only do I swear, but I drink, I’ve gotten myself into situations I regret, I don’t eat my crust, I don’t listen, I’ve driven over the speed limit, I show more skin in winter & in summer and I talk back. I am a 25-year-old woman who is going to be a 25-year-old women. However, despite that I am someone girls can look up to. I understand my platform, I understand that people look up to me from the little one to my cousins to my peers. And I want them to. Because, as I grew up I didn’t really have that. I had a few but there was more I had to learn on my own or through friends that would be GREAT to have someone older to be there. Through blogging that’s my goal.

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There are topics I wanted to talk about on here that I stepped away from; like this post was going to be something completely different but I deleted out of fear of what people may think. Not about me more out of consideration of how others may react, and opinions, negative ones. I never want to offend. There are topics and subjects that are hard to talk about, one’s that are seen shameful or make people bashful. I personally, don’t mind talking about the topics but I feel more awkward when I know others don’t. I also 100% worry of being called names or opinions from outside voices just cause of a topic. Which just makes me more want to talk about it.

This is life, these things are happening in our lives; and the more we don’t talk about them the more we will either feel shame or there won’t be a change. They won’t be a lesson learned or even understatement.

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So, I’m going to talk about some things; you might not like them you might not agree with them. Hey, thats how the world works and that is fine. But don’t shame or be mean to someone because of that. We hear/see it so often people comments, people being opinionated towards who we are, what we do etc in life and online.  Great fantastic– like the random people on the beach when I was having one of the most frustration moments of my nanny life with a dog and a ball telling me what to do–I will tell you what I told them–go away. I won’t be a good influence cause I will never meet others standers nor will I want to.

When I nannied the best feeling in the world was knowing that I impacted her (&him) vs verse to me as well. The moment she says she learned it from me even if it was “probably shouldn’t have taught her that” like “that’s my name don’t wear it out.” That honestly was the best feeling. I know I’m no one, nor do I want to be, but if I can change (impact) girls in a way that makes them into empowering, driven, independent girls who have no fear of being who they are. Then I will be happy.

What I will be isn’t a good influence but I will be someone to look up to.

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A day in life of a city girl living in a big city.

I wanted to write this so when someone stubbles on my blog they get a little more. Also this is in relations to a out of blue post I did called “Today was a good day”. This post really focuses on the contrast of life abroad to here. 

I wrote this post Today was a good day, after having this best friendly experience in Benefits and Only. I am someone who is just trying to find her place and feel important, like anyone else. and while living in Ireland I got a lot of that, while here not so much. It’s so go-go there is no time to learn someone’s name.

 

Like the other day I walk into Sephora and they were friendly but they weren’t going to sit down and be like lets do make up. Or booking something was so many hoops-two weeks in advance I understand but when asking to book it–honestly it didn’t feel easy it felt like a hassle basically. Compared to when I did it in Benefit after buying something it was like “how about this day” no problem. And even when one time it did screw up–I felt this unease frustrating, “not worthy” feeling and walked out. When I came back they felt so bad, they sat me down right away. And I was right back to feeling like this girl was my BFF again.

 

There was this sense of friendship and connections I made while living in Ireland like every place I went was “my place” (not in a childish that’s mine) but there was a sense of belonging.  While here I can’t tweet a local pub (bar) and even get a response, the person at a counter is trying to sell me something or spray perfume in my face. I go into coffee shops and they smile, but they smile at me. While living abroad having the bar tender know my name; or even have a conversation with me, being in a store and chatting with me, making friends on twitter or even having the library and Rearden’s interact with me on social media, not only made me feel good it is what made me go to them.   Now here it seems it’s just a place and I’m just a girl. Read Tody was a good day.

 

After living abroad, my mind really open up not only seeing what others saw but also experience other ways of living life. And I learned something. Here stores open at 10 and close at 9; stores abroad open by 9 and close by 6; you catch the bus, travel by train. Going to the local pub on a week day at 8 pm is normal.  Not saying Ireland or any place is perfect; what I’m saying is maybe they have the right idea of how to live and do life with being easy going and on the whole not tipping thing. What I’m really saying is….We are always in crowded places, stuck in rush hour traffic, trying to be the first one of  something or off the free way. Such a hustle and bustle. And that really is the main thing.

 

adayinlifeIt’s time to take our time, really have a conversation with the bar tender, get to know the person you randomly sat down next to, close down shops early, and really focus on what is important. I’m a city girl trying to find her place in this big place.

 

 

 

 

Let’s talk about mental health: a guide to getting yourself through.

I know it’s not mental health month anymore so I’m behind but I didn’t know if I wanted to write this or how I wanted to write this.

We all have our own mental health story but we all feel the same way towards it (maybe I don’t want to put anything on anyway);we don’t feel like ourselves, we feel silly after and seem crazy. But we aren’t. I never saw my mental health as an issue and personally, I never really talked about it cause I don’t want pity. So I would just brush it off like saying “i’m fine” and giving people nothing when they ask why. But here it is.

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I never realize I had mental health and need to take care of myself until I had a year that I call my dark time. Then I realize this was something I’ve been going through my whole life and needed not only take care of but also understand and know I have no shame towards it. For me, I have anxiety and depression. Also, my brain gets best of me and I have trouble handling things that lead to extreme outburst and panic attacks. And lately, my mental health has been challenged. So, I’ve been having more bad days and moments than good. Which is hard cause it not only reminds me of that dark time but also I know I’m a strong person and know what I can do; yet it seems to not be enough; the bad still keeps hitting me.

I’ve had two major moments where my mental health was at its worst at 10 years old and at 21. I’ve seen the worst, I have memories and feelings that come to me; reminding me. I know where bad is and I know how to get through it but also where I never want to end up. To make sure I don’t end up back in a “dark time” I do things, I keep myself motivated and filled with positives, I fuck the negativity and sometimes that included people and I have the BEST mother in the WORLD. I’ve tried therapy but my personality just didn’t fit. What do I do then? Well I created a list that I hope may help someone else who is going through some bad days, dark days. Below. Remember: you are strong & beautiful.

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How to get out of them is easier said than done but here is a list of things I do to get myself feeling better or good again.

List of things to do to help you through:

  • Take walks or get out of the house. Getting out of the house, getting some fresh air is the perfect way to have some time. Remember to breath in & out.
  • Disconnect from social media and your phone. Don’t look at phone especially if you wake up and you feel it’s going to be one of those days walk away from the phone
  • Do something that makes you feel good. Even if it’s taking a shower or brushing your hair.
  • Read more. I think grabbing that good book really can be a good distracting and let yourself go into a different world
  • Write. Either its dear diary scribbles on side of notes, or writing a story. Writing down can get those thoughts out of your head.
  • Go into your own little world. Put on the noise cancel headphones and listen to those songs that fill you with joy and happiness.
  • Take your camera and go chase some sunsets. Like the first one; I think the best way to get going especially when you feel it coming is to go on an adventure and take some pictures
  • Lay down. When I hit that point of a breakdown; my best thing I  do is just sit in my tub. ITs weird, I honestly sit there with my clothes on and just talk to myself. Like taking a relaxing bath just no water or clothes.
  • Workout. A lot of the time my energy is built up and I need to let it out so I work out.
  • Hang out with the people that know you and can really be there for you.
  • Take the evening to relax. Have one of those me time nights. Put on a face mask, some Gilmore Girls; keep your phone away, and just enjoy a relaxing night in.
  • Sleep and repeat.

These are things I do before the ‘storm’ during the storm, and after the storm; it really depends on how I’m feeling and what is going to be helpful in that moment. I know I’m the person when someone tells me “oh you’ll get over it” or anything that isn’t helpful just makes it worst. This list is a suggestion, some things you might not have tried and could work for you.  A lot of times you do (I do at least) feel silly cause after the storm you feel fine like what happen wasn’t even necessary. But, don’t feel stupid because what you went through and going through was necessary to get to the rainbow!

Mental health is a battle; sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it lasts a whole week. But keep going and try different things; don’t put yourself in a situation that are going to negatively affect you. And if something isn’t working, drop it and walk away. You may not feel like yourself but you’ll soon feel like yourself or a total new person!Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

I find with blogging and being open like this I’m helping that little girl who didn’t understand what was going on in her head or that 20 something girl who needs to know someone out there understands. Talking about mental health breaks the stigma. What someone is going through is there’s. Reminder: you don’t know what someone is going through.  A lot of time people can say “they understand” when they really don’t. What we need to do is talk about them, be there for our friends and loved ones; to not run away but to be there, show support cause when they talk to you they don’t want pity what they want is to talk.   For the girls (&boys) going through the battle of mental health remember that you are strong every day!

I’m no professional I’m a girl who’s living and getting by with a war in her mind (did that rhyme that felt like it rhymed)

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Disclaimer: I’m no way an expert, I never learned this in school, I’m not educated. Terms idk. And I’m taking from my perspective, what my mental health is and what I do. There is more to mental health then what I talking about. If you or someone you know are struggling with depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out—to family, friends, mental health professionals, or crisis workers. In the United States and Canada, you can call the 24-hour, toll-free National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

My Story: Moving Back after living away for two years

I think it’s hard a lot of the times because I never expected myself to move back. And coming back after two years is not easy. Things I am going to talk about in this blog post are all personal. I also hope that these words will find others advise, strength, or themselves.

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Missing What Was

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I’m at the point of really missing my life I had for the past 2 years. I’m missing my usual places, friends especially human contact, to sit in a pub, walking, chasing sunsets and ability to hop on a bus and see sheep. I miss meeting people on nights out–I went out with my friend on St. Patricks day here, and it was different. No one was willing to talk to a stranger–a comment here and there in passing. Not having that night out, meeting people was weird and something I miss.

I am missing getting dressed up with out question, to feel like I wasn’t standing out, to doing things every day even if it was just a walk to the gym. I know it takes time and you really just got to keep trying, but I find myself not wanting to leave the house.

I guess when anyone moves away from your life you are going to feel this isolation and missing feeling.

Feeling Out of Place

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I liked living in Cork, the ability to walk everywhere, shopping was just a few blocks away. Go out my door and into a pub to have one, to watch the match, or sit to write with some coffee in the Roundy or the Raven. Now, I’m struggling to find my place in this hipster Minnesota. Going into the Twin Cities trying to find the right pub in a sea of breweries.  Trying to find a friendly face in a coffee shop or in a store.

It’s hard cause like I said I am from here. I should know where to go or what to do. But I never fitted into the “way of life” here. A lot of time it is the culture shock. Also, it seems if you didn’t go to high school with someone they don’t want to bother. The social life is different here, that’s for sure. I would never go downtown or to a club here. Going out seems pointless, really, because I don’t want to put on heels for a pub with 20 TVs and no one is going to even talk to you. I went to different things volunteering or blogging events–and even though they got me out of the house, the vibe wasn’t right. I am not the American girl in the village, I’m just the girl in the city. The girl who will says ‘grand’ still (sue me!).

Living in Ireland I felt in place. I go take a walk on the beach, work out on the beach, take a walk through the city with no worry I knew where to go, what to avoid and despite the occasional cat call I knew how to handle myself and speak up. Now I’m feeling uncomfortable.

I want to cover myself up and hide a lot of the times. I don’t feel confident, and my confidence in myself always helped me walk the streets on my own, always helped me ignore my anxious or feel out of place, it always helped me to be brave enough to give a look back.


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The weird part is I am a confident person yet right now my confidence is very low. Which is new to me and I am finding it hard to get out of, lack of a better word, “funk.” it is easy to get stuck like nothing can help you. You try to do anything like you try to write but you can’t your stuck. So how do you get out of this funk?

I’ve been very lucky, I don’t take any of the things I’ve done for granted. But when I look back at photos I missed that person I was and I don’t feel like her. Because I feel discouraging, frustrated, unease, isolation and out of place.

All anyone wants is to have is a life they are happy in, and feel happy too.

Personally I’m going through two dramatic changes in my life, moving and exiting school–you know the one where you are out of school trying to make it as an adult. And it’s really discouraging. I’m discouraging a lot of ways, not only in job related, but in my writing, in blogging, in photography, socially, adulting, in counting my change out at the register. And nothing anyone tells me helps. Except when I look to others I follow and watch who say exactly what I feel, and that is why I’m writing this.

Where do we go from here?

1e6dec070533b10d4539b0aa5838f3b2You could have had really good weeks of not feeling any struggle or hurt then have two weeks of feeling it all. So what do you do? For me personally, when I’m bored I am BORED. I can’t even write. It comes to a point where nothing is exciting and everything is boring.

Throw yourself into something is easier said then done. So like they tell you when you break up with someone, don’t go on social media, distract yourself, take care of yourself, and really don’t listen to the outside world. Surround yourself with people who don’t to tell you instead they are there and listen. Keep your days busy, plan them out, leave the house (even if you don’t want to), do something different. Keep trying even if the bar or coffee shop didn’t work out, try another. Feeling like a total failure, put on that “regret me dress” and know you are worth it! Out of place and no one is approachable, join something, don’t wait to be invited invite yourself–and if your anxiety comes or the culture shock is shocking just step away and regroup. Wearing make up, putting on heels, saying grand this is who you are now–who cares if it doesn’t fit with the surroundings!

And most importantly do something to make you happy <<< that’s best advise I ever got & the person who said that to me was 5.

Your working towards your goals and dreams. To get yourself back to the person you where. You really will never forget and will always feel the connection between that place/person, for me Ireland and my friends. You’ll just get to a point where you are not missing but remembering. Things will get there it just takes time (i hate that as well no worries) but I do hope me writing will let you know your not alone. To feel understood.

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I wrote this to tell MY story to tell people what it’s like to be in my shoes.  

 

What its like having a learning disability as an adult.

What it’s like to have a learning disability as an adult going into the real world. 

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If you want to know about what its like having a learning disability I talked about it in a blog post here.  In this post I am going to talk about the struggles you face as an adult going into the working world with a learning disability. Because here I am with my difficulties I am writing a blog, got my masters in creative writing and trying to go into a career that has writing into it.

Being able to do that despite my difficulties really shows my character but I also hope it will shows others with or without a learning disability that even having these difficulties doesn’t mean you can’t do anything. You just work differently. You have other strengths and have extreme worth ethic.  A lot of time when working or when asked to do a job; we question ourselves if we can do it? We know what are challenges are, we worry about failing, but we say yes anyways. Because we learned to not only accept it but we know despite it we can do anything. However, there are times where we face it and we feel it all.

Once again at you and your sitting there trying your hardest to overcome it, to fight it, to succeed but its not enough.

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Those times come a lot when you get something back and it says “your spelling and grammar” or sometimes it can feel like everyone is telling you should know this when really you can’t–I have had MANY people tell me well your an English major you should know how to spell. And just cause it is called a learning disability it effects you outside of school too. Which makes it harder because now your face with new challenges all on your own-there is no IEP, no teacher, no resources. Just you.

You are struggling to write that e-mail. You’re faced with having someone spell their name but you keep hearing similar sounds. Your reading the requirements of a position and all you see is your difficulties.  You just want to tell people “Hey I have —” but not make it sound like an excuse but for them to understand you work differently.

As someone who writes and wants to go in a career that has writing in it and my grammar is not that great. It’s hard, because does that mean I don’t get the job. And this has always been my challenge that I not only had to work twice as hard but it’s something I have to fight towards others and show even though I can’t spell worth shit I have endless ideas because of my ADHD.

People with learning disabilities have had these challenges their whole life and fighting gets tiring a lot of the time because all we want is that career. And I think the most hard part is that having a learning disability isn’t visible. There is no red arrow above pointing at you. We are look like everyone else but our brains are different–so when we are faced with our challenges others  may see “are they stupid”. Sometimes

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Remember this: you have other skills that make you a strong key person to have for the job.

This has been ‘real’ for me my whole life. I have accepted my learning disability but here I am wanting  career that deals with writing maybe even visual communications despite my learning disability. Because I want it–and that drive will get me places. And the question I want to now ask everyone else is can you accept it? Can you accept someone with a learning disability? Can you not question them for writing the wrong their? Can you see how hard they work to succeed? Can you see their flaws are not flaws at all? Because someone with a learning disability needs the outside world to see how despite their challenges they can do the job. Maybe even harder then someone who hasn’t dealt with a learning disability all their life?

Note: Having a learning disability has other aspects including emotionally and mentally which I would love to talk more but I felt the focus of this was more on having ADHD & APD in the working/adult world.

 Follow a city girl story on instagram and like the FB page. 

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P.S if something is spelled wrong on here, I decided not to do the extra mile to emphasis more on how my learning disabilities effect and challenge me. It’s a metaphor. 

My Story: I left my heart in the place I am not from.

 

Travel wasn’t something new to me but living abroad, doing it all on my own was new. I had no connection to Ireland. I choose it because it was the only place close enough to travel to where they spoke English. But, once there I was able to find myself.

905733_10153569957578463_1303521142866637654_oTwo years ago I took the biggest risk of my life and moved myself to Ireland. I’d been there before studying abroad, seeing all the top tourist spots which included the Cliffs of Moher, Guinness factory, and the Ring of Kerry. Scared shitless with no clue what I was going to experience I took a chance on the place I did not know.

I wanted not to just live in Ireland but experience Ireland fully. And I did. The two years I lived there I got more out of it than I would have gotten out of living back home for the rest of my life. I lived in Cork, the second largest city in Ireland and what a lot of people from Cork would call the real capital of Ireland. Cork is a small city with a festival happening, what seemed to be, every weekend. I especially enjoyed Jazz Festival at the end of October. Each street is unique with its own look  and you really get a neighborhood feeling to each area of Cork. 

13244237_10154011599858463_610501070930410632_oI’ve taken many road trips by car or by bus around Ireland. One day when I was living outside Kinsale I decided to take a trip up to Galway. It was going to take me three buses and a lot of waiting around but I would be there by dinner time. Sitting in the bus station waiting for my bus I felt at home, I was doing something I knew what to do. I watched as a variety of people, locals and tourists, came on and off the buses. There were several homeless people hanging out at the bus; I’d seen them before. Sitting there I realized that this city had character just like any metropolitan city. You wouldn’t expect this when you think of Ireland. My first expectation for Ireland back in 2013 was from the movie PS I Love You; I expected a lot of green, and no snakes. But as I traveled around, took my courses, and spent time in Ireland I realized there was so much more to this place than the view.

But the view wasn’t bad either. If you are ever in Ireland you would know what I am talking about; the rolling green hills, seeing such a distance with clouds hanging above. It wasn’t in the middle of now where it was in the middle of somewhere. And even in the middle of a city you would notice it too. Climbing to the top of Patrick hill you not only see the city but in the distance the horizen with a view of pink sky as the sun set.

13458707_10154096826648463_3534706272630644938_o…Finding myself…

One night, after an evening out with friends, all dressed up, our make-up still in tack, our hair ruined by the rain, our six inch heels now in our hands, we were bare foot heading down the street.  Never had I put on heels or thought I would get this dressed up but here I was enjoying every minute of it.  There was something inside of me growing. I was becoming someone different, someone I was always supposed to become. As we sat on the curb waiting for the taxi to come I realized this was what it meant to feel like one’s self.

I began to find myself, as I walked around Cork, and sitting where the sea meets the shore. On a boat ride to an island with no cell service, making friends with dogs, walking dirt roads. Laughing with strangers who weren’t even strangers.  I had been a girl who was never known by her name, yet in the local Centra and in the pubs they knew my name. I now had my places to go, the city was my castle.

13522698_10154117420373463_5671095346358497523_oI was finally living for the first time in my life. You could find me in a garden on a swing set with my feet flying in the air. Going for spins around the parish. Running for village queen. On a bus driving across the country with One Republic playing in my ear while I watched sheep graze in the fields. None of it was getting old. I was falling for those eyes that looked at me. Finding self love. In a pub making out or out for the bants. Making memories and chasing sunsets with long time friends. Sitting on my own in a park. Climbing the highest point.  If I never came we would have never met, but my life without them seemed impossible now. I found myself in every inch of Ireland.

But…. I also left my heart back in Ireland. Leaving behind all those memories and people, the places, everything I had seen. It was like my whole self was taken away from me when I left them behind.  I lost myself in the place I was found.

And now after 5 months later I am going back.
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Entering a career media base in the 21st century.

This isn’t a political debate, this is personal. This is the real raw truth about how I am feeling about my career NOT with blogging but with what I went to school for and what I want to do for a job. 

This isn’t going to be your typical blog post about style, or favorites, or let me tell you about this book, this is my personal story. If you are someone who wants to make a political statement, which again this isn’t a political post, go somewhere else. I posted this on my Facebook page because it was more personal but no one seemed to hear me. And this is an issue that is close to me.

I majored in creative writing, took courses in media and communication and I want to go into a career that is media based. And now this whole fake media thing is happening.

unnamed-1It’s great we have access to resources and people can post and share whatever they want. We have so many different types of media and sources. It’s a great means I can write for so many other things!!

But it has lead to a negative, threatening thing called FAKE media, or worse, calling it corrupt media!? Media has become something more than just giving out what’s happening, via trends, reality TV etc. And it is getting blurry.

In school we learned what a reliable source is, and learned to just facts vs. opinions. When I hear something I read about it, I do some digging, I learn and I use my sources. That is how I do it. Maybe you do something different. Media is something that is important, having unlimited access has given us this great ability.  There exist several well established media sites–that is BBC, CNN, Fox News, New Yorker, even your local newspaper are credible sites. And there are a lot of sites now that are giving OPINION over facts, or they are stating facts from reliable sources that is getting mixed up in opinion and “what was said.”  Does opinion come out, yes it can, but that’s called an opinion piece. Journalists are educated in giving facts over opinion. We are taught to give the who, the what, the when, a quote from a source, give the FACTS. And maybe it’s because now things are trending and more things are happening people will talk about what happened. Is because something is trending make it true? Not necessarily. Unfortunately, what happens is just because something is ‘trending’ it makes it news. Remember, a reliable source isn’t someone’s personal twitter account, or the shared Facebook status! Social media isn’t a credible source – those are people’s opinions. So when someone shares an article it’s your job to find out if it comes from a reliable source!

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Not mine found in google search “facts vs. opinion”

Like I said, it’s a bit of a blurr, and having such access is a good thing, free speech is a right, but you can’t control it. We can’t change what people think, we can’t change what people believe in; that’s their right. How you read something can easily be misunderstood, words can be confusing. BUT, remember that those in the media/journalist are trained to provide the facts, if it’s breaking a news story, or saying what happened in the day. What you choose to believe is on you. The media is not just giving a story. (a professor said that to me once) You wouldn’t believe the assignments I would get back in my courses where things were crossed and I was told that’s an opinion, what’s the source.

Having a blog is giving me an opportunity to write and share my ideas. Am I writing the facts, no this is a blog, not a reliable source.But, what I say on here has happened, what I write does have some facts to them, like this one. I’m writing my feelings and opinion on what has been in the news and how media has been treated. And blogging is one source of media, I like to go into, not even for my personal blogging but for companies and career’s but that too can be gone

But really I want to say is…

This whole ‘talk’ around the issue of the media fills me with anxiety. Like I said it is something I want pursue as a career. And all that has happened, you know, isn’t making me feel any better.

Sorry that this blog wasn’t “blogger” type it was real, it was raw and it was the truth. I did say how I wanted to talk more about different topics on here and it wasn’t that raw–I feel a little raw as I write it. It was something that is close to me and is making it harder for me to go on with writing, with what I went to school for and even blogging.