They only care when you’re doing something wrong // but she was doing it all right ||  

Try putting everything I’ve seen, I’ve felt myself , what others have told me in this. 

They have something to say about how you dress, the colour of your hair. The tattoo on your body, that nose ring in your nose. Fact you speak up but your only really doing it for the likes. Or they call you a bitch for being honest. They leave you comments saying you’re too thick because you aren’t a size two.  Like what they say about you means something, it defines who you are–but that is bullshit.

Here she is being herself and they think what they have a say. That they can just belittle, bully her down, say mean things for what?! For their own stratification, because they don’t like what they see in the reflection. Because it doesn’t agree with them and their own style. Because all she is doing is being herself, but they don’t like it. They will only care when she is doing something wrong. But here’s the thing, she is doing everything right.

IT would be so easy to be like everyone else, to do what everyone else is doing, to conform, to stay silent, to follow the rules of the road, but that is no fun. And worst of all to fear backlash, comments, dislike, or opinions by strangers or people she knows only hurting herself. To lower herself, to be what they want to be is the worst.

…..

Care  but don’t care about peoples opinions. 

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Also today is #internationalgirlsday the blog post is on FB page. 

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For the girl who need the reminder of the importance of confidence in herself.

You are feeling discourage in yourself and wanting it all to stop but you don’t know how. So you spend the day in bed questioning everything instead of taking action because every time you take action you are reminded by so much.  You look in the mirror and you see it all; you see your flaws, you see what they might see, you can’t unseen it. And it gets to you. You began to feel unhappy but you’re not sad, your something else. You do not feel that confidence you once felt.

Happiness doesn’t come for things you have. You can go on a shopping spree and it can make you happy but only for a second.  Happiness is how you feel about yourself & if you don’t feel that than what happens? You’re good, you’re breathing it’s just that life has become a little  frustration. Things are getting to you and you began to go down and you get discourage.

You are feeling that fear of failure in yourself and start to see it more and more, that your losing the important parts of life.

You’re going to get a little lost, your going to question not only things but yourself, you’re going to get a lot of no’s, your going to get those looks and you just want to get there. You wish people stop talking and telling you things and start handing you the directions you need. You need those words to tell you exactly what you need to hear. So here they are. If we stop questioning ourselves, letting these things frustrating us and making us feel discourage (easier said then done) that we will soon be feeling like ourselves again, we will laugh spontaneous, we will look in the mirror and there you will be. 

Not loving yourself won’t get you anywhere, it will be hard especially when you’re questioning yourself after a something that effects you so hard, you’re feeling out of place, your feeling the weight of the world, you see your future and your scared, you feel stuck.  And each time you come back to yourself and feeling like your not enough. You need to know you are worth it despite not meeting the demands of others, not having the enough experience. You’re will and confidence in yourself will shine through the heartbreak or hurt. And you will find yourself where you need to be.

Put that effort in yourself again. Where the discourage you felt will turn into confidence. You will feel worth of who you are when you look at yourself, when you walk in a room, you will know despite not looking or acting like everyone else you belong here. That person you’ve been missing will be in front of you again.

And you will soon find yourself without realising in the place you’ve been struggling to get to.

 

 

 

P.S I’m not going to tell you that it will all work out in the end, or when you get to the point you will have the closet full of shoes, maybe you will. Who knows!?

To my friends

National Friendship day & I thought I write to my friends.

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To my friends I never thought I have, I am so lucky to have you.

I always new friends were what makes life great, but I seemed to never find the right ones. Until I met you. The moment we met, that one thing that bonded us together weather it was a night out, a scarf, me saying “hi” to you, a topic of conversation or fact we were roommates; it is was the start of our friendship. Those random moments were you let us sit down and we were friends by the end of the night. The friends that made me feel wanted like the time I was in my room and I got a message from you to come on over to watch Iron Man. To the girls I could talk to about anything, texting you none stop about the random things and the OMG moments. When I mention “the bus guy” you know which guy I am talking about. You know everything. The time I needed you the most, to just be distracted, to not talk about anything, to let me sit in silence, giving me a floor to sleep on when I was too drunk to go home. The spins around dancing and sining, welcoming me in your already formed group, creating life time of memories. Teaching me how to put on tan, doing my make up before I was going to have to talk to a boy. Me running to you after I talk to a boy. Giving me advise and vis versa.  To the road trips we had and the long talks in the car, you were the one that listen. And even if we weren’t that close of friends, we were still friends. Saying hi to me in passing, calling me Yank because that was our thing. If I was sitting by myself you wouldn’t ignore you would say hi. That despite the sexual tension or the history of who kissed who we were still could hang out, meet at the coffee shop, text every once in awhile, sit in my bedroom watching a movie chit chatting about our winter holidays. Commenting on pictures, have a little conversation that even though we only met once and weren’t definition of friendship we were friends. On a night out, you didn’t allow me to join, it just happen because we were friends and that’s what friends do. They see each other and end up having the bants and a great night out together. They tease each other, they have inside jokes.  The friends you never thought would happen, on Twitter, on social media, turns out you can be friends.  You are the ones can get on with, the ones were it is so easy to just be me around you with not hesitation, no worry, no problem. A friend you can hang out with, even the opposite sex. A friend whom might not even know it but means the world to you, because of that one night.

There is not explanation, even if I could, there are only those moments that explain it. Sitting in a beer garden with a couple of beers, chit chatting as you say “we be lucky to have you” to when all my friends I went out with went home and I felt find staying with you guys because we were friends and I never had that before, to the ones you can share a bathroom stall with. There are some bad times that is for sure but we don’t hold them agents each other, we ride them out, we talk them out, we get it because we know each other. We can get mad because we are human and we can’t always be nice. And that’s what makes a friendship. The tears down our faces shows what we really mean to each other. The distance never changed anything, the time apart never broke us, we were still wanting the best for each other, we were still there wandering about each other. We are still friends.

I never needed a group of friends, I only needed friends. And I have many, from high school lifers, to east coaster’s, to the house 44, to the village, to the boy down the road (it rhymed), to the lads who make me laugh, to the instant friends , to the guys, to my gang of friends, to pooh bear, to my college buds, to my “she doesn’t know but we are friends”, to my Food buddies, to my BFF, to my love. To the people I call friends–once your friend with me, we are friends for life.

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Kole.

 

 

 

Spilled Ink: How to feel like you have privacy in a public setting

In the times where vlogging and sharing your everyday life how does one stay private?

Sharing everything is how people do things now. We share things for people to know what is happening and to share our excitement. We are sharing so much that our privacy becomes public. Putting yourself out there is like putting a piece of you out there. Even in a private setting your putting yourself out there. But focusing on blogging and the question of privacy….

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Again and again, I have moments where I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to write a city girl story or tell my story despite it is something I love and really enjoy doing because of scam accounts and creepiness. I think that is why I want to find a career to write for other things so I won’t feel so ‘exposed’. But even if I had a career I would keep doing this CAUSE I LOVE It.

Anyways the other day my moment of “I want to go private I want to delete everything” came again when I found an inappropriate account following my blog on bloglovin and there was no block button. The first thing I thought was I didn’t want this associated with my blog, I didn’t want them to see what I write or share EVEN though I control and edit what I say.  Seeing those spam and scam accounts seeing what I’m putting out, strangers is scary thing. Another example is when I was in Dublin I did ask what people suggestions on what to see or if any bloggers that live want to meet up (next time personally message them) BECAUSE I got a request message from a guy who didn’t follow me asking me out, I stocked him naturally he did live in Dublin still CREEPY. I’m very quick at the block button, very quick at figuring out if its creepy at all. I’ve heard worst stories of guys messaging girls and all I can say is, because this can easily be a whole different blog post, is  random ass guys message girls like what gives you this idea to do that. Even if it is a harmless hey–its still some strange ass dude with a private account. It feels violating.

This isn’t my first time experiencing this feeling, I’ve had my experience before social media even exist. And I’ve seen others ask strangers to add them on snapchat. Like how unsafe is that.  And having these things pop up, getting those messages, having them see my stuff–really makes me feel unease. I have some of my social media so far hidden that no one can find me.  When being a blogger or being public with your stuff, there is no hiding. I limit myself, I don’t post selfies, I see who’s following me, who’s seeing my stuff which can be very bad but its also a safety thing for me. I want to do more with blogging, do videos on instagram story but the more expose I get the more scams, creepiness or even harassment–I once had two little lads comment with emojis tagging there mates–I responded then blocked them cause NO! I will not have that, I’m not some side walk.

The important thing is we have to tech how to deal with social media. About being smart, aware, and  know there are things out there you shouldn’t post or even respond–I didn’t respond to any of those messages I get. However, I still feel violated & exposed-wanting to pull back.  when this robot or actual people pop up like this. Either way you have to keep in mind how much you want to share and who will see it. It’s not just about screening calls anymore the world and technology have advanced too much.

And for those private accounts, you have, well there private for reasons. Those should be yours.

Flash Fiction: Loving a wild and complicated woman

If you don’t follow me on Facebook or instagram you might not know I’m working on a project and you should then follow me so then you will get to see all the happens of my so called life and this project that the other day I wanted to delete and never write again. Because of that feeling I’m sharing a flash fiction piece I wrote that will be in the book. I’m really trying to keep creative writing more on social media other then the blog and write more creative thoughtful pieces instead–which this can be both really. 

Loving a wild and complicated woman

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We are wild and complicated women. We are the women who can not be easily defined for we have so many interests and passion in our eyes. We are everywhere but we can’t be seen. We are only recognizes by our walk into a room. Letting you know we are the women of nature who will not only cause chaos but calm the waves of the ocean. You can not reset us.

You’ll love us and it will be difficult. Because our minds are filled with thoughts and imagination. We’re never losing our sense of wonder.  We find home and love in the places and people we cross paths with.  But we lose ourselves in the details of the world; in the sounds of the ocean, on a crispy fall day when the leaves change, watching the snow fall onto the car window and in the moonlight.

We believe we do not belong in cages we have our wings on our backs that need to soar. We thrive and live by chaos and the unconventional ways. We want to feel safe with you but we don’t want you to hold our hands. We want to kiss you when and wherever we want but we don’t want you to hold us back. We want to go dancing on the dance floor and you to watch us from the side, wishing for us to love you back. We want you to want us and you will because we are the wild and complicated women you can not resist.   

Told that women like us are too much of everything, but you love us cause of that. We can’t be handled nor do we want to be. However, if you can handle us then you will have us, for the rest of your life. We want to love and affection, we want to support, we want respect. The world wants to define us but we define ourselves. We are wild and complicated women who have never been so vibrant in a world that badly wants structure and order. We are wild and complicated women who won’t be tamed. And you love us anyways.

 

Spill it out: I don’t want to be a good influence.

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I don’t want to be a good influence because that’s too much pressure for me.

We all want to find something of ourselves in someone else, we find inspiration but we also find jealousy. I’ve had my experience of both.  We can’t help it but I think we should find more inspiration from others vs jealousy. Staying on track with how I don’t want to be a good influence. No one wants the there daughter to be dropping f-bombs but maybe they want someone their daughter can talk to, can give them advice. Giving inspiration and determination. And that is me.

No one is perfect, and I am far from it. I am 25 years old, not only do I swear, but I drink, I’ve gotten myself into situations I regret, I don’t eat my crust, I don’t listen, I’ve driven over the speed limit, I show more skin in winter & in summer and I talk back. I am a 25-year-old woman who is going to be a 25-year-old women. However, despite that I am someone girls can look up to. I understand my platform, I understand that people look up to me from the little one to my cousins to my peers. And I want them to. Because, as I grew up I didn’t really have that. I had a few but there was more I had to learn on my own or through friends that would be GREAT to have someone older to be there. Through blogging that’s my goal.

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There are topics I wanted to talk about on here that I stepped away from; like this post was going to be something completely different but I deleted out of fear of what people may think. Not about me more out of consideration of how others may react, and opinions, negative ones. I never want to offend. There are topics and subjects that are hard to talk about, one’s that are seen shameful or make people bashful. I personally, don’t mind talking about the topics but I feel more awkward when I know others don’t. I also 100% worry of being called names or opinions from outside voices just cause of a topic. Which just makes me more want to talk about it.

This is life, these things are happening in our lives; and the more we don’t talk about them the more we will either feel shame or there won’t be a change. They won’t be a lesson learned or even understatement.

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So, I’m going to talk about some things; you might not like them you might not agree with them. Hey, thats how the world works and that is fine. But don’t shame or be mean to someone because of that. We hear/see it so often people comments, people being opinionated towards who we are, what we do etc in life and online.  Great fantastic– like the random people on the beach when I was having one of the most frustration moments of my nanny life with a dog and a ball telling me what to do–I will tell you what I told them–go away. I won’t be a good influence cause I will never meet others standers nor will I want to.

When I nannied the best feeling in the world was knowing that I impacted her (&him) vs verse to me as well. The moment she says she learned it from me even if it was “probably shouldn’t have taught her that” like “that’s my name don’t wear it out.” That honestly was the best feeling. I know I’m no one, nor do I want to be, but if I can change (impact) girls in a way that makes them into empowering, driven, independent girls who have no fear of being who they are. Then I will be happy.

What I will be isn’t a good influence but I will be someone to look up to.

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Spill it out: Being Like vs “like”

Social Media has changed how we live our lives and sometimes it can have very negative affect. We always cared about being liked, but now with social media, words like “instagram-famous,”  it’s a whole different kind of desire to be liked and it’s very hard as a blogger and a every day girl. 

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Do you ever get this frustrating feeling like everything you do now has to be valued by others?  What determines how GREAT a blog post, pictures of graduations,  or a status on going to a movie? Does it not mean anything if a post does not get at least get 50 likes. Maybe it’s because we live in a digital age where our lives are exposed–but remember: only some have heard and only a few actually know.

We worry so much about being liked physically and by a button. We care about how many followers we have on instagram to snapchat, how many friends we have on Facebook. Is it worth putting ourselves out there to be liked and followed because with those ‘likes’ also comes no likes and feelings of rejection.

Digit age has affect our lives. It’s weird but this is how our lives our lived now–online.  Social media and likes, counting the number of friends online is unhealthy. We shouldn’t care about being liked, but instead care about being respected, cared for and appreciated for who YOU are.

That “like” isn’t real.

The like and sometimes what we see in the picture isn’t what’s real.

I am guilty to this as well in my blogging and personally. But, I’m not blogging for the likes, I’m doing it for myself.  I am doing it cause I want to bring imperfection to the world.  But, I still want to be liked, naturally. When I post a status I get worried that I am “too much,” that some how that “like” will give me satisfaction or validation. I’ve been told by a guy that I was annoying, that he had to put up with me, so I had to put up with his burping in my face. Thus, I began to worry more. It took a lot of effort to say “fuck it, I’m sharing these pictures because I want to for me not for anyone else.” I’m not going to post “everything” I’m going to share what I want and others can think what they want. But, when I started blogging, I began to feel the same need to be liked and began struggling with it. I stressed because over followers, likes I was getting, the status of my post, how well a post was doing, and the unfollowing. When really it shouldn’t determine my worth and my ability to be a good writer/blogger. Worrying about being liked is a so unhealthy and is why I want to write this post.

As a blogger I want readers/followers that like what I put out and connect with my blog post and captions and/or photographs on my instagram. I don’t want someone to follow me or like the picture to get my attention or to just follow them. A lot of time it can feel like people are playing a game with you just to get those likes and followers. You say you want originality but you keep the fake accounts? What if you don’t connect with what they shared, you don’t agree with it, or it’s just not you.What good does that do anyone?! And if someone I follow, follows me back, I do get happy because that means they took time to read and saw what I was doing. They may have thought “hey we are on the same wave length.”

Liking a blog post, comments or responding to bloggers or post is good. Feed back is always important and likes, comments, etc are ways of giving feedback. Positive or negative–take the negative unless its direct at you personal–as room to grow! For me as a blogger to do a give away it’s not in my nature to be like “asking” for followers. Not saying for bloggers who do it isn’t bad thing it’s just not me. But a lot of times I ask myself where is the real in blogging anymore?!?! 

Note: When I network or connect with other bloggers or followers, I never say follow me. I talk to them like they are my friend, like we are drunk girls in the bathroom. I also take notice in who is following me and if I think we could easily be friends in IRL I follow back and comment to get to know, connect, and become friends. I might not do it right a way, but it takes a few times especially online before you realize this girl/boy is totally my bestie, or squad material.

For my non-blog-related posts I find it more satisfying when I post something and my friends who like it know the story behind that post. Remember just because you get all those likes all those numbers  doesn’t actually give you validation or worth. And it can make you feel good but only for a second, because at the end of the day all you have is yourself and the people who know what actually happened.  What really matters is who’s answering us and who’s there. That is when you know who’s in your life is real. Having the people who support you and know what’s happening in your life, who see what you are doing digitally but know what you are actually doing.  We want someone who’s going to like it for they know what’s behind your online message. Other’s are just guessing.

Just Remember:

It is better to be liked for who you are then what others want you to be; and if they don’t like you for who you are or what you put out via instagram, snapchat story, or status. Your not getting the “likes” fuck it–your worth isn’t determined by that.

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