Spill it out: I don’t want to be a good influence.

I don't want to be a good influence..jpg

I don’t want to be a good influence because that’s too much pressure for me.

We all want to find something of ourselves in someone else, we find inspiration but we also find jealousy. I’ve had my experience of both.  We can’t help it but I think we should find more inspiration from others vs jealousy. Staying on track with how I don’t want to be a good influence. No one wants the there daughter to be dropping f-bombs but maybe they want someone their daughter can talk to, can give them advice. Giving inspiration and determination. And that is me.

No one is perfect, and I am far from it. I am 25 years old, not only do I swear, but I drink, I’ve gotten myself into situations I regret, I don’t eat my crust, I don’t listen, I’ve driven over the speed limit, I show more skin in winter & in summer and I talk back. I am a 25-year-old woman who is going to be a 25-year-old women. However, despite that I am someone girls can look up to. I understand my platform, I understand that people look up to me from the little one to my cousins to my peers. And I want them to. Because, as I grew up I didn’t really have that. I had a few but there was more I had to learn on my own or through friends that would be GREAT to have someone older to be there. Through blogging that’s my goal.

KNSK3585.jpg

There are topics I wanted to talk about on here that I stepped away from; like this post was going to be something completely different but I deleted out of fear of what people may think. Not about me more out of consideration of how others may react, and opinions, negative ones. I never want to offend. There are topics and subjects that are hard to talk about, one’s that are seen shameful or make people bashful. I personally, don’t mind talking about the topics but I feel more awkward when I know others don’t. I also 100% worry of being called names or opinions from outside voices just cause of a topic. Which just makes me more want to talk about it.

This is life, these things are happening in our lives; and the more we don’t talk about them the more we will either feel shame or there won’t be a change. They won’t be a lesson learned or even understatement.

Processed with VSCO with hb1 preset

So, I’m going to talk about some things; you might not like them you might not agree with them. Hey, thats how the world works and that is fine. But don’t shame or be mean to someone because of that. We hear/see it so often people comments, people being opinionated towards who we are, what we do etc in life and online.  Great fantastic– like the random people on the beach when I was having one of the most frustration moments of my nanny life with a dog and a ball telling me what to do–I will tell you what I told them–go away. I won’t be a good influence cause I will never meet others standers nor will I want to.

When I nannied the best feeling in the world was knowing that I impacted her (&him) vs verse to me as well. The moment she says she learned it from me even if it was “probably shouldn’t have taught her that” like “that’s my name don’t wear it out.” That honestly was the best feeling. I know I’m no one, nor do I want to be, but if I can change (impact) girls in a way that makes them into empowering, driven, independent girls who have no fear of being who they are. Then I will be happy.

What I will be isn’t a good influence but I will be someone to look up to.

Processed with VSCO with a5 preset

 

 

 

Spill it out: Being Like vs “like”

Social Media has changed how we live our lives and sometimes it can have very negative affect. We always cared about being liked, but now with social media, words like “instagram-famous,”  it’s a whole different kind of desire to be liked and it’s very hard as a blogger and a every day girl. 

quote like

Do you ever get this frustrating feeling like everything you do now has to be valued by others?  What determines how GREAT a blog post, pictures of graduations,  or a status on going to a movie? Does it not mean anything if a post does not get at least get 50 likes. Maybe it’s because we live in a digital age where our lives are exposed–but remember: only some have heard and only a few actually know.

We worry so much about being liked physically and by a button. We care about how many followers we have on instagram to snapchat, how many friends we have on Facebook. Is it worth putting ourselves out there to be liked and followed because with those ‘likes’ also comes no likes and feelings of rejection.

Digit age has affect our lives. It’s weird but this is how our lives our lived now–online.  Social media and likes, counting the number of friends online is unhealthy. We shouldn’t care about being liked, but instead care about being respected, cared for and appreciated for who YOU are.

That “like” isn’t real.

The like and sometimes what we see in the picture isn’t what’s real.

I am guilty to this as well in my blogging and personally. But, I’m not blogging for the likes, I’m doing it for myself.  I am doing it cause I want to bring imperfection to the world.  But, I still want to be liked, naturally. When I post a status I get worried that I am “too much,” that some how that “like” will give me satisfaction or validation. I’ve been told by a guy that I was annoying, that he had to put up with me, so I had to put up with his burping in my face. Thus, I began to worry more. It took a lot of effort to say “fuck it, I’m sharing these pictures because I want to for me not for anyone else.” I’m not going to post “everything” I’m going to share what I want and others can think what they want. But, when I started blogging, I began to feel the same need to be liked and began struggling with it. I stressed because over followers, likes I was getting, the status of my post, how well a post was doing, and the unfollowing. When really it shouldn’t determine my worth and my ability to be a good writer/blogger. Worrying about being liked is a so unhealthy and is why I want to write this post.

As a blogger I want readers/followers that like what I put out and connect with my blog post and captions and/or photographs on my instagram. I don’t want someone to follow me or like the picture to get my attention or to just follow them. A lot of time it can feel like people are playing a game with you just to get those likes and followers. You say you want originality but you keep the fake accounts? What if you don’t connect with what they shared, you don’t agree with it, or it’s just not you.What good does that do anyone?! And if someone I follow, follows me back, I do get happy because that means they took time to read and saw what I was doing. They may have thought “hey we are on the same wave length.”

Liking a blog post, comments or responding to bloggers or post is good. Feed back is always important and likes, comments, etc are ways of giving feedback. Positive or negative–take the negative unless its direct at you personal–as room to grow! For me as a blogger to do a give away it’s not in my nature to be like “asking” for followers. Not saying for bloggers who do it isn’t bad thing it’s just not me. But a lot of times I ask myself where is the real in blogging anymore?!?! 

Note: When I network or connect with other bloggers or followers, I never say follow me. I talk to them like they are my friend, like we are drunk girls in the bathroom. I also take notice in who is following me and if I think we could easily be friends in IRL I follow back and comment to get to know, connect, and become friends. I might not do it right a way, but it takes a few times especially online before you realize this girl/boy is totally my bestie, or squad material.

For my non-blog-related posts I find it more satisfying when I post something and my friends who like it know the story behind that post. Remember just because you get all those likes all those numbers  doesn’t actually give you validation or worth. And it can make you feel good but only for a second, because at the end of the day all you have is yourself and the people who know what actually happened.  What really matters is who’s answering us and who’s there. That is when you know who’s in your life is real. Having the people who support you and know what’s happening in your life, who see what you are doing digitally but know what you are actually doing.  We want someone who’s going to like it for they know what’s behind your online message. Other’s are just guessing.

Just Remember:

It is better to be liked for who you are then what others want you to be; and if they don’t like you for who you are or what you put out via instagram, snapchat story, or status. Your not getting the “likes” fuck it–your worth isn’t determined by that.

IMG_9445

 

 

 

Spill it out: Disconnect and Reconnect.

I worry about my daughter or the little one who’s going to grow up in this world of online life.

IMG_0658If you didn’t notice I took a week off of Facebook and I found that there was this disconnection from the world yet totally satisfying feeling. How much of my time was spent in this never ending circle of online? Do I even have a life?

I shouldn’t even have that much screen time.

As I took myself off FB there was this great disconnection and fear of not seeing what was on my newsfeed. As a blogger being online is part of the job, but personally and socially I don’t believe I should rely on social media to keep friendships or feel connected with friends and sharing everything. I’m 100% guilty in that, which is why I cut myself off. Some people can do this, and I envy them. I am someone who LOVES taking pictures, I always took my parents camcorder. I always loved documenting because I love looking back at home videos, pictures and not only be reminded but smile cause it happened.

It feels like with networks and being so connected something is lost. Because no one is willing to know what is happening, they see what happen, and call it good, no one is going to have a conversation with you after they seen it all on Facebook, Instagram and snap chat. Can you blame them what else can you talk about?

IMG_0423I don’t say much when people ask because when they ask it doesn’t come out caring anymore it comes out like they are digging at me for some dirt. If only we could talk and I will say it all–I’m an open book. Years ago I started to be more sarcastic, very hidden about what I do online–I said I got into grad school in a caption in a picture in one of my 100 pictures on FB before I even said it–maybe there’s some psychology shit behind it. But, in all honesty, I missed meeting up and spending hours looking through pictures. I began to hate how there I was sharing so much but feeling so isolated.
In my week off of FB, I felt really disconnected yet more connected with what was important. For me having social media, blogging, the fast pace really stimulates my brain, I just focus. Which is why I want to go into a career that deals with this fast pace moving field. I would thrive, but I began to hate it personally. I began to lose myself in the circle & waste most of my day when I could be like doing a puzzle.

Everyone is sharing, everyone is posting, everyone is saying something, even if it’s not with “all their friends” they are snapping their friends, they are commenting on things tagging people. We spend so much time online that do we even live an actual life. Like the number of times, I’m out and people just pull out their phones. There’s nothing wrong with taking pictures, blogging, sharing anything. I think what we got to remember that people are now saying “IRL” ‘in real life’ because of online. And all I can think is how online “this isn’t real life”. The real is what is in front of you. We should put down the phones especially while driving & live life post later.dfb653dd418e20dca9a4f802c4cf752d

In my week off from Facebook I did spend time on my computer for blogger reasons but I did find myself clicking in my circle, that by day 3 I was like WTF am I doing. So I leave my computer, bought myself Betty Who “the view” and wrote in a notebook. And I’m going back to texting to talking to people because no one just talks anymore. I miss that the most.

xox

Kole.

The Girl that is letting herself go (plus OTTD)

This is a creative thoughtful post- I’ve done these before and I like them. But to mix it up I added a little OTTD to go along with it. 

Processed with VSCO with hb1 preset

You do not exist anymore and I’m letting myself go.

 Looking back I wonder what girl was I to you. The girl you spent a few nights with. The  girl who you spent  months with road tripping. Knowing who you were and who I was with you. The conversations we had, the nights we spend together. Was I the girl I thought I was to you.

The girl who was your best friend. The girl you to talk to at the end of the night. The girl who let you be whoever you wanted to be. Let you go off with your friends; she wouldn’t care. The girl you adored. The girl who only wanted your company but that was too much to ask. I wasn’t that girl to you.

But, you weren’t the guy either. The guy that gave reassurance and confidence, saying “fuck them” when I couldn’t.  The guy I felt like me around you. A guy where I didn’t think twice about how to act around. A proud man for you got that girl that every guy could have had. A78D585F-9D3F-4219-82A8-7D5F616676C4FC2A6896-3B81-4267-BB36-535E8C1CC16C

You lost that girl. You lost her when you walked right out at 3am like it was that easy. You lost her the minute you decided to call her up to talk for hours, making her feel like you were back. But then you turned around and gave her the thumbs up. You lost her the minute you decided she was not worth the fight. You lost her when you made her feel so damn worthless.  You lost her when she realize she shouldn’t be treated like that. I’m that girl.E64E4B54-8C3A-434A-96BB-C35903F0DF67 (1)

I’m that girl and it’s the girl you could never had. I’m done missing the guy you never were. Because to be the guy you were to me, I had to be that girl to you. So I’m letting myself go from you, from all of you.  You do not exist anymore and I’m letting myself go.

Because, I’m not that girl, anymore.

Processed with VSCO with hb2 presetOutfit details:

Jumper: Zara (months old)

Jeans: Topshop (Jamie Jeans)

Fish tights: Pennys

Booties: Nostrums

necklace: forever 21 (years ago)

Hair: Lo’real colour-purple

Let me know if you liked it below. 

My Story: I left my heart in the place I am not from.

 

Travel wasn’t something new to me but living abroad, doing it all on my own was new. I had no connection to Ireland. I choose it because it was the only place close enough to travel to where they spoke English. But, once there I was able to find myself.

905733_10153569957578463_1303521142866637654_oTwo years ago I took the biggest risk of my life and moved myself to Ireland. I’d been there before studying abroad, seeing all the top tourist spots which included the Cliffs of Moher, Guinness factory, and the Ring of Kerry. Scared shitless with no clue what I was going to experience I took a chance on the place I did not know.

I wanted not to just live in Ireland but experience Ireland fully. And I did. The two years I lived there I got more out of it than I would have gotten out of living back home for the rest of my life. I lived in Cork, the second largest city in Ireland and what a lot of people from Cork would call the real capital of Ireland. Cork is a small city with a festival happening, what seemed to be, every weekend. I especially enjoyed Jazz Festival at the end of October. Each street is unique with its own look  and you really get a neighborhood feeling to each area of Cork. 

13244237_10154011599858463_610501070930410632_oI’ve taken many road trips by car or by bus around Ireland. One day when I was living outside Kinsale I decided to take a trip up to Galway. It was going to take me three buses and a lot of waiting around but I would be there by dinner time. Sitting in the bus station waiting for my bus I felt at home, I was doing something I knew what to do. I watched as a variety of people, locals and tourists, came on and off the buses. There were several homeless people hanging out at the bus; I’d seen them before. Sitting there I realized that this city had character just like any metropolitan city. You wouldn’t expect this when you think of Ireland. My first expectation for Ireland back in 2013 was from the movie PS I Love You; I expected a lot of green, and no snakes. But as I traveled around, took my courses, and spent time in Ireland I realized there was so much more to this place than the view.

But the view wasn’t bad either. If you are ever in Ireland you would know what I am talking about; the rolling green hills, seeing such a distance with clouds hanging above. It wasn’t in the middle of now where it was in the middle of somewhere. And even in the middle of a city you would notice it too. Climbing to the top of Patrick hill you not only see the city but in the distance the horizen with a view of pink sky as the sun set.

13458707_10154096826648463_3534706272630644938_o…Finding myself…

One night, after an evening out with friends, all dressed up, our make-up still in tack, our hair ruined by the rain, our six inch heels now in our hands, we were bare foot heading down the street.  Never had I put on heels or thought I would get this dressed up but here I was enjoying every minute of it.  There was something inside of me growing. I was becoming someone different, someone I was always supposed to become. As we sat on the curb waiting for the taxi to come I realized this was what it meant to feel like one’s self.

I began to find myself, as I walked around Cork, and sitting where the sea meets the shore. On a boat ride to an island with no cell service, making friends with dogs, walking dirt roads. Laughing with strangers who weren’t even strangers.  I had been a girl who was never known by her name, yet in the local Centra and in the pubs they knew my name. I now had my places to go, the city was my castle.

13522698_10154117420373463_5671095346358497523_oI was finally living for the first time in my life. You could find me in a garden on a swing set with my feet flying in the air. Going for spins around the parish. Running for village queen. On a bus driving across the country with One Republic playing in my ear while I watched sheep graze in the fields. None of it was getting old. I was falling for those eyes that looked at me. Finding self love. In a pub making out or out for the bants. Making memories and chasing sunsets with long time friends. Sitting on my own in a park. Climbing the highest point.  If I never came we would have never met, but my life without them seemed impossible now. I found myself in every inch of Ireland.

But…. I also left my heart back in Ireland. Leaving behind all those memories and people, the places, everything I had seen. It was like my whole self was taken away from me when I left them behind.  I lost myself in the place I was found.

And now after 5 months later I am going back.
img_6599-1
unnamed

 

Feeling lost is OKAY!

This is my story. My goal in writing pieces like these will not only shed light on who I am but have others see themselves and relate to parts of it with me.

When Rory Gilmore came back onto my television screen she said the one thing that I was so thrilled to hear: “I’m feeling very lost right now.” Anyone else just go ‘yes’? And said ‘hell yes’ when she said “I have no job, I have no credit, I have no underwear.”

5 months ago I came back from Ireland and it is not easy to let go or move on. I feel lost like Rory says, if you follow on twitter you’ll know. But here, we are 20 something girls who are now in their mid-twenties educated, skilled with experience but it’s not good enough. It’s not only frustrating but confusing because it wasn’t suppose to be like this. And I  am sitting here thinking I gave up everything  for this?

I always had this point to drive me. For example, I wanted to go back to Ireland I found a job, wanted to go to graduate school in Ireland I did, and now I don’t know because the point is so much bigger it’s a life. How do I get there, is it through blogging, is it through writing on the side, like what do I have to do? The other day I was convince on moving back to Ireland. I feel this sickness and fear build inside of me that’s personal–and really couldn’t even tell you why. I felt this push outside of me that I had to leave Ireland because if I didn’t leave I would be dealing with the same shit over and over again (that shit is personal), but I came back to nothing and more pressure and more anxiety that you just feel lost and have no real point of direction.  I so badly want to too but like is it right? The reality wall hits again–it all comes back to that. I am missing something that I got there and isn’t here.

And how do we find that thing again that we left behind? A lot of times we look back and we only see the good. We miss what was and want that back thus we lose focus on what’s happening and the moments a head. It can be harder, I know. But the one thing we should not do is look back and also compare/listen to others.

A lot of times I think it’s what is expected, and what our peers are doing better than us. We  feel this pressure and failure upon ourselves when we do this. Like I’ve been told “like you’re only 25” but I also had the other end of “your 25 and you haven’t”…. It’s this rude thing that comes out of people, this need to tell you and be shocked by you,have an opinion on you. Top it up we also have this self pressure we put on yourself and comparing to others that we all do. And what happens well if you’re anything like Rory Gilmore…

You’ll take anything, you would take a job to write about lines that are “hipster”, you’d sleep with a Wookie, and you’ll take an unpaid position in your small town because it’s not only comfortable but you think it might be exactly where you need to be. But you don’t feel any better.

All I can say is  we will figure this out. We have to because we are meant for so much then what we are getting. I am going through that same feeling and all I know is what I know. I know what to do to calm my anxiety, to get rid of that overwhelming feeling–and that is to ride it out. Also I said this in my 2017 goals is to put myself out there, I know the whole thing has a lot to do with my feeling but also my self-doubt and it doesn’t help that no matter how much you try it’s not good enough. See it as a challenge to really fight, I haven’t found that thing I want to fight for but I will always fight for myself–and so should you!Processed with VSCO with f2 preset

Ask yourself instead of those larger questions like what do you want, where do you see yourself. Go smaller, what are you going to do on Friday that will benefit you, are you going to volunteer, are you going to go on a road trip, are you going to go out and have a cup of coffee and do some writing? Are you going to send out those applications, open submissions? Don’t forget take the time to build yourself and then sell yourself.

img_6599-1

 

Lookbook: Day to Night

Jacket: Francescas

Shirt: H&M

Shoes: Steve Madden

Skirt/ tutu/dress: self made by my mom-she had talent!

Four years ago I went to Ireland for the very first time

774606_10151316998123463_1577306366_o

Yesterday marked the day I left for Ireland for the first time, which was the start of my adventure. It also instigated this blog. I think about how if I had gone to a different school I may have chosen a different study abroad program and not AIFS, and I wouldn’t have ended up in Ireland. I wouldn’t have lived there for two years. IMAGINE.

 

My first time there was a story to tell and one for the books. I got to travel, only slept in hostels, learned to accept a lot of things, and to really go with the flow. I got to experience so many new things that I know help me to become who I am. I got to be myself fully. And I met some cool people; some I am still friends with and we all still have a connection because of those months together.  Four years ago I was still in college, lost and confused, struggling, some days feeling broken. And those 4 months really impacted me and changed the direction of my life that I could never take back ANY of it! 

To Mark that it has been four years I decided to write a little creative peace and share it:

 For I left my heart in Ireland. 

1551608_10152068892278463_2005264511_n

I lost myself where I found myself in Ireland four years ago. In a foggy place I did not know. A place so open with rolling green hills. Where the sea met the shore I felt this thing inside me, growing each day, freedom to finally be who I wanted, who I needed to be.                      

I became the person I was supposed to be because of this place. It wasn’t just the people, it wasn’t just the community or lifestyle, it was the whole deal. I walked the city streets, the country roads looking out over the land, seeing further in the distance, knowing this was where I belong.

Where silence shuts off the noises in my head. A place filled with secret spots, to be able to roam around with no fear and peace of mind.

It’s a place I am not from, but cannot leave. Not even when I’m miles away my heart is still there.