They only care when you’re doing something wrong // but she was doing it all right ||  

Try putting everything I’ve seen, I’ve felt myself , what others have told me in this. 

They have something to say about how you dress, the colour of your hair. The tattoo on your body, that nose ring in your nose. Fact you speak up but your only really doing it for the likes. Or they call you a bitch for being honest. They leave you comments saying you’re too thick because you aren’t a size two.  Like what they say about you means something, it defines who you are–but that is bullshit.

Here she is being herself and they think what they have a say. That they can just belittle, bully her down, say mean things for what?! For their own stratification, because they don’t like what they see in the reflection. Because it doesn’t agree with them and their own style. Because all she is doing is being herself, but they don’t like it. They will only care when she is doing something wrong. But here’s the thing, she is doing everything right.

IT would be so easy to be like everyone else, to do what everyone else is doing, to conform, to stay silent, to follow the rules of the road, but that is no fun. And worst of all to fear backlash, comments, dislike, or opinions by strangers or people she knows only hurting herself. To lower herself, to be what they want to be is the worst.

…..

Care  but don’t care about peoples opinions. 

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Also today is #internationalgirlsday the blog post is on FB page. 

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For the girl who need the reminder of the importance of confidence in herself.

You are feeling discourage in yourself and wanting it all to stop but you don’t know how. So you spend the day in bed questioning everything instead of taking action because every time you take action you are reminded by so much.  You look in the mirror and you see it all; you see your flaws, you see what they might see, you can’t unseen it. And it gets to you. You began to feel unhappy but you’re not sad, your something else. You do not feel that confidence you once felt.

Happiness doesn’t come for things you have. You can go on a shopping spree and it can make you happy but only for a second.  Happiness is how you feel about yourself & if you don’t feel that than what happens? You’re good, you’re breathing it’s just that life has become a little  frustration. Things are getting to you and you began to go down and you get discourage.

You are feeling that fear of failure in yourself and start to see it more and more, that your losing the important parts of life.

You’re going to get a little lost, your going to question not only things but yourself, you’re going to get a lot of no’s, your going to get those looks and you just want to get there. You wish people stop talking and telling you things and start handing you the directions you need. You need those words to tell you exactly what you need to hear. So here they are. If we stop questioning ourselves, letting these things frustrating us and making us feel discourage (easier said then done) that we will soon be feeling like ourselves again, we will laugh spontaneous, we will look in the mirror and there you will be. 

Not loving yourself won’t get you anywhere, it will be hard especially when you’re questioning yourself after a something that effects you so hard, you’re feeling out of place, your feeling the weight of the world, you see your future and your scared, you feel stuck.  And each time you come back to yourself and feeling like your not enough. You need to know you are worth it despite not meeting the demands of others, not having the enough experience. You’re will and confidence in yourself will shine through the heartbreak or hurt. And you will find yourself where you need to be.

Put that effort in yourself again. Where the discourage you felt will turn into confidence. You will feel worth of who you are when you look at yourself, when you walk in a room, you will know despite not looking or acting like everyone else you belong here. That person you’ve been missing will be in front of you again.

And you will soon find yourself without realising in the place you’ve been struggling to get to.

 

 

 

P.S I’m not going to tell you that it will all work out in the end, or when you get to the point you will have the closet full of shoes, maybe you will. Who knows!?

Let’s talk about mental health: a guide to getting yourself through.

I know it’s not mental health month anymore so I’m behind but I didn’t know if I wanted to write this or how I wanted to write this.

We all have our own mental health story but we all feel the same way towards it (maybe I don’t want to put anything on anyway);we don’t feel like ourselves, we feel silly after and seem crazy. But we aren’t. I never saw my mental health as an issue and personally, I never really talked about it cause I don’t want pity. So I would just brush it off like saying “i’m fine” and giving people nothing when they ask why. But here it is.

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I never realize I had mental health and need to take care of myself until I had a year that I call my dark time. Then I realize this was something I’ve been going through my whole life and needed not only take care of but also understand and know I have no shame towards it. For me, I have anxiety and depression. Also, my brain gets best of me and I have trouble handling things that lead to extreme outburst and panic attacks. And lately, my mental health has been challenged. So, I’ve been having more bad days and moments than good. Which is hard cause it not only reminds me of that dark time but also I know I’m a strong person and know what I can do; yet it seems to not be enough; the bad still keeps hitting me.

I’ve had two major moments where my mental health was at its worst at 10 years old and at 21. I’ve seen the worst, I have memories and feelings that come to me; reminding me. I know where bad is and I know how to get through it but also where I never want to end up. To make sure I don’t end up back in a “dark time” I do things, I keep myself motivated and filled with positives, I fuck the negativity and sometimes that included people and I have the BEST mother in the WORLD. I’ve tried therapy but my personality just didn’t fit. What do I do then? Well I created a list that I hope may help someone else who is going through some bad days, dark days. Below. Remember: you are strong & beautiful.

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How to get out of them is easier said than done but here is a list of things I do to get myself feeling better or good again.

List of things to do to help you through:

  • Take walks or get out of the house. Getting out of the house, getting some fresh air is the perfect way to have some time. Remember to breath in & out.
  • Disconnect from social media and your phone. Don’t look at phone especially if you wake up and you feel it’s going to be one of those days walk away from the phone
  • Do something that makes you feel good. Even if it’s taking a shower or brushing your hair.
  • Read more. I think grabbing that good book really can be a good distracting and let yourself go into a different world
  • Write. Either its dear diary scribbles on side of notes, or writing a story. Writing down can get those thoughts out of your head.
  • Go into your own little world. Put on the noise cancel headphones and listen to those songs that fill you with joy and happiness.
  • Take your camera and go chase some sunsets. Like the first one; I think the best way to get going especially when you feel it coming is to go on an adventure and take some pictures
  • Lay down. When I hit that point of a breakdown; my best thing I  do is just sit in my tub. ITs weird, I honestly sit there with my clothes on and just talk to myself. Like taking a relaxing bath just no water or clothes.
  • Workout. A lot of the time my energy is built up and I need to let it out so I work out.
  • Hang out with the people that know you and can really be there for you.
  • Take the evening to relax. Have one of those me time nights. Put on a face mask, some Gilmore Girls; keep your phone away, and just enjoy a relaxing night in.
  • Sleep and repeat.

These are things I do before the ‘storm’ during the storm, and after the storm; it really depends on how I’m feeling and what is going to be helpful in that moment. I know I’m the person when someone tells me “oh you’ll get over it” or anything that isn’t helpful just makes it worst. This list is a suggestion, some things you might not have tried and could work for you.  A lot of times you do (I do at least) feel silly cause after the storm you feel fine like what happen wasn’t even necessary. But, don’t feel stupid because what you went through and going through was necessary to get to the rainbow!

Mental health is a battle; sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it lasts a whole week. But keep going and try different things; don’t put yourself in a situation that are going to negatively affect you. And if something isn’t working, drop it and walk away. You may not feel like yourself but you’ll soon feel like yourself or a total new person!Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

I find with blogging and being open like this I’m helping that little girl who didn’t understand what was going on in her head or that 20 something girl who needs to know someone out there understands. Talking about mental health breaks the stigma. What someone is going through is there’s. Reminder: you don’t know what someone is going through.  A lot of time people can say “they understand” when they really don’t. What we need to do is talk about them, be there for our friends and loved ones; to not run away but to be there, show support cause when they talk to you they don’t want pity what they want is to talk.   For the girls (&boys) going through the battle of mental health remember that you are strong every day!

I’m no professional I’m a girl who’s living and getting by with a war in her mind (did that rhyme that felt like it rhymed)

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Disclaimer: I’m no way an expert, I never learned this in school, I’m not educated. Terms idk. And I’m taking from my perspective, what my mental health is and what I do. There is more to mental health then what I talking about. If you or someone you know are struggling with depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out—to family, friends, mental health professionals, or crisis workers. In the United States and Canada, you can call the 24-hour, toll-free National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

The Girl that is letting herself go (plus OTTD)

This is a creative thoughtful post- I’ve done these before and I like them. But to mix it up I added a little OTTD to go along with it. 

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You do not exist anymore and I’m letting myself go.

 Looking back I wonder what girl was I to you. The girl you spent a few nights with. The  girl who you spent  months with road tripping. Knowing who you were and who I was with you. The conversations we had, the nights we spend together. Was I the girl I thought I was to you.

The girl who was your best friend. The girl you to talk to at the end of the night. The girl who let you be whoever you wanted to be. Let you go off with your friends; she wouldn’t care. The girl you adored. The girl who only wanted your company but that was too much to ask. I wasn’t that girl to you.

But, you weren’t the guy either. The guy that gave reassurance and confidence, saying “fuck them” when I couldn’t.  The guy I felt like me around you. A guy where I didn’t think twice about how to act around. A proud man for you got that girl that every guy could have had. A78D585F-9D3F-4219-82A8-7D5F616676C4FC2A6896-3B81-4267-BB36-535E8C1CC16C

You lost that girl. You lost her when you walked right out at 3am like it was that easy. You lost her the minute you decided to call her up to talk for hours, making her feel like you were back. But then you turned around and gave her the thumbs up. You lost her the minute you decided she was not worth the fight. You lost her when you made her feel so damn worthless.  You lost her when she realize she shouldn’t be treated like that. I’m that girl.E64E4B54-8C3A-434A-96BB-C35903F0DF67 (1)

I’m that girl and it’s the girl you could never had. I’m done missing the guy you never were. Because to be the guy you were to me, I had to be that girl to you. So I’m letting myself go from you, from all of you.  You do not exist anymore and I’m letting myself go.

Because, I’m not that girl, anymore.

Processed with VSCO with hb2 presetOutfit details:

Jumper: Zara (months old)

Jeans: Topshop (Jamie Jeans)

Fish tights: Pennys

Booties: Nostrums

necklace: forever 21 (years ago)

Hair: Lo’real colour-purple

Let me know if you liked it below. 

Top 10 List of things to help you get to loving yourself

First, let me say this for my own sake and for others to not assume, I am completely utterly in love with myself and honestly do not care what others think. But, there was a time that I wasn’t like this and there were moments where I did not feel like this. It’s called being human.
Now, I am not going to say my personal stories or what I had to go through/deal with when I was trying to be accepted, loved, included by others who were not meant to (I say meant because of the typical “you’re my parents you have to). For anyone it is hard, especially with technology (I will keep saying this) to find happiness in one self. You can find it but it can be hard to hold onto it, not because you are sad or depressed (in most cases), it’s just things can happen and the strong feelings of confidence, love for yourself becomes lost in all of your emotions.
There are some days when I could be down and then in a snap say “who cares, I am awesome and I know it” (not exactly those words). But, for anyone who does have those moments, days, weeks, or even months of feeling isolated, hurt, or angry, don’t let it win. Hold onto your confident voice, and scream to muzzle the sound.
In doing that I came up with a list of things to help get that voice screaming:

1   Journal: Writing is my passion; but it has only been the last few years when I started to journal. I use to do it all the time when I was younger. I found the old pages and to be honest I don’t even remember what I wrote “remember this..” But it honestly helps to just write whatever is on your mind. It’s personal, you’re talking to yourself and basically building yourself up because you will find yourself in the end and will say FORGET this, I am fantastic.
2  Be active: Try not to sit around and do nothing because you will only get more lost in your thoughts. Get up and do something, it can be walking, working out, even window shopping.
3  Be artistic: Sometimes I find myself drawing, collaging, or  doing some sort of craft; it focuses my attention on other things.
4  Text that person: Text that one person you know who will wanna talk; try not to discuss what’s been driving you mad or making you feel this way, instead talk about something else. Talk about them.
5  Delete things: Just take away the things that are causing the issue, the things that are not helping you feel any better. Either if it’s deleting an app or just removing it from your home page. Just make it harder to get to.
6  Dress up: Okay, sorry for any boys, but playing dress up ALWAYS make me feel better; from doing my make up to doing my hair, and trying on clothes. Best feeling in the world.
7  Blast that music: Blast that rock, loud, hard music either in your ears or through out your room.
8  Do something by yourself: I find if I can do something on my own my confidence builds. It could be as easy as seeing a movie.
9  Plan an adventure:  I become more excited when I plan an adventure or a trip. It’s that feeling of I could honestly run, do something with my life. 
10 Remind yourself that you are perfectly imperfect and today, this moment is just one of the lows. Build that bridge and burn it down because you are a fantastic person who should walk down the streets with every step having a point.

    A City Girl: Keep going backwards

    I rewrote this a LOT….

    Ireland vs. Minnesota and  back after living away for two years.  It’s been a year, so here is a little update (it’s long, I have a lot to say!)

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    I’m keeping the title the same from when I first wrote this post, because I don’t know what to call it and even though things have changed I still feel myself “going backwards.” I mean, I find myself back to where I was before I moved away.

    Many of the things I will talk about here could be summed up as  #youdon’tlknowmylife. It’ll be hard to grasp because you are not me. I can only explain it the best I can and you can only try and understand. People might think they have the answers but it is one of those times where it’s on me. And all you really ask from people is to listen, be there, and understand. 

    What hasn’t changed

    After a year of living here I still haven’t found my places, I still haven’t found or formed a group I could meet for drinks (people like to brunch here and IDK I rather just have my pancakes). A lot of time I feel out of place and annoyed of how unfriendly this place really is, and I was born here. Or the opportunities here for creative fields are slim.

    I’m still not feeling the best about myself–the waves come not as much as they used to, like every day. And it doesn’t help that I’m still not in that career job (more on that) or living in a place of my own. I am uncomfortable, my anxiety is more frequent, and I think we can all agree we feel more at ease when we are around people we enjoy, and in places we know.

    REALITY check it’s hard for us 20 something adults trying to make it in the real world. And there are not a lot of creative jobs out there. and you do want to provide for yourself, have opportunities, see the world and live in the world and do what you love, with out the fear and feeling like shit living in it.

    Me and MN just never belonged together I think. However, despite this feeling of disappointment and feeling stuck; maybe just maybe things are finally “happening.”

    Things began to move

    This is where things did began to move because I got a 2nd job that will give me the “experience” I’ve been missing, I believe. Because really, I’ve been applying to jobs for over a year and nothing has been happening. And not getting these jobs, interviews, or even an answer–I began to question myself.  I felt a lot a time a lone, which I know I’m not because I have the same conversation with girls my age A LOT.

    A whole year with a masters degree and not doing what I went to school for, was disappointing. I started to feel like shit. Finally I feel I’m on the track I need to be on. I’m creating a lot of content and writing more to build up my CV. It’s not easy being a writer and getting paid for it.  I wish more people grasped that. Despite finally getting something that has put me onto the path I’ve been wanting to be on, there still that frustration and also tiredness of I have a masters and only getting part time minimal jobs. That BITES! Also running around feeling exhausted has giving me no room for anything else…

    Let’s talk Blogging

    Blogging has suddenly paused. I’ve fallen out of the loop with blogging and bloggers. There are days where I could be on top of it, but I’m tired, or the 6 hour difference struggle.  I love blogging  and well we all want what we love and enjoy to be our job.  I don’t want blogging to become something it isn’t for me, I don’t want to take on #spon, when it’s not right. And that hasn’t come yet in the swoon of random emails of products, companies asking for more followers (the behind blogging stuff).

    I will always be honest with you guys. Blogging has really come to a hault a lot of days but some days it’s going. I’m still working on the balance and planning of two jobs, blogging and a life. 

    Where am I now? 

    I was told at work that I treat “Ireland like my home but it’s not” and that honestly bothered me, because (A) how many times have I talked about why I left because I was temporary?  I told them”I don’t think I do but you should try lifting up your life.” Because I wasn’t living out of a suit case in Ireland, I was improving my life.  And that’s where I am now, trying to get my life back and myself back.

    How I miss the girl I once was and I want her back. Moving to Ireland probably was the best thing for me; I really became someone I never thought I would be and losing that affected my confidence in myself on so many levels. I was back on the couch binge watching Gilmore Girls the whole summer. And this girl I grew out of is some how back?

    The truth is when you lose yourself in so many ways it’ll take a while to get to where you once were. I think this is where a lot of people get confused and I get tired of talking about it, because the only way to move on is to keep going forward. But I can’t help feeling I keep going backwards.

    What’s next?

     I told myself another year in MN despite us not belonging together. Another year so I can start making BIGGER moves. You hear a lot of stories of a girl who started with a blog and now is a best seller–personally I want to be that girl! That’s my goal, I went to school for writing, I want to write. If it’s through someone else’s voice until my voice gets heard then so be it. I never went for Creative writing to write a novel but after this year the thought did cross my mind: “Maybe it’s time to write a novel”.

    There is some sort of ‘plan’ floating around in my head, but half the time I have no time, I get stressed, anxiety and fear about my future hits me, and all I want is to live my life doing what I want to do.  State side is not easy going; I am not relaxed with work. And that’s what I miss a lot, the easy going life with drinks on a Monday night, hanging with friends in the Village on a Tuesday evening, stores closing at 6 pm week days.

    So what I would like to happen next is to stop feeling this pressure;  I want to keep blogging; I want to see my writing in others’ hands in some form or another.  I want to keep working to have a career writing but I also want to live my life.  After a year of being back I honestly am ready to move forward and I think I can if I keep pushing myself further and don’t let my anxiety, fears, doubts hold me back. 
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    Over all the biggest thing I learned is to put myself first and limit the stress I put onto myself. It is going to take awhile to put myself back together and figure out life; I need to take baby steps and find those happy things in my daily life. Take care of myself.

    I do hope writing these updates aren’t like too much like a diary, but like all my other writings I have done on here it will let others know they’re not alone; they may say “that’s exactly it.” (If you’re saying that’s exactly it comment below with that’s exactly it! We girls (or boys) have to stick together.)